[Webmasters' note: It has unfortunately become unavoidable to exercise our prerogative of censorship. The author's conceit of liberally inserting the word 'f_ing' respectively through the soliloquy of Hamlet, the Declaration of Independence, and - as if those texts were not sacrosanct enough - to the Lord's Prayer, has unambiguously crossed the line of tolerable offensiveness. Therefore each instance in which the author used the full word 'f_ing' we have regretfully omitted the offensive letters 'uck'; we beg the readers' indulgence in allowing the author to proceed even with the admittedly still offensive letters 'fing' with the explanation that the author threatened that if this piece were censored as fully as originally intended that he would show his displeasure by hacking this site and here posting applications of his methods to key texts from the Koran, the Book of Dianetics, the Aum Shinriko cult, and the Satanic Church of the Process. We have therefore submitted under protest, thus far and no farther, to his outrageous blackmail.]










        Perhaps the reason modern youth are unable to appreciate great literature of the past is not an essential lack of empathy or feeling for its sentiments, but simply in the failure of older texts to conform to current argot. In an attempt to remedy this flaw, I have spent considerable time for some months in 'researching' the contemporary speech of 'today' and have learned that the liberal adjectival peppering of all discourse with the word 'f_ing' lends modern speech an immediacy and pungency the youth cannot fail to respond to. In an effort to reach the 'young people' who I fear are in danger of missing out on millenia of great writing simply because 'old' writings fail to conform to these norms, I here humbly offer 'translations into the modern idiom' of some classics which will hereby thus hopefully enter into the lexicon of the young in exactly the same way as they have for generations.

1] Soliloquy from Hamlet, by William Shakespeare:

To be or f_ing not to be, that is the f_ing question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the f_ing mind to suffer
The f_ing slings and arrows of f_ing outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a f_ing sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To f_ing die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we f_ing end
The f_ing heart-ache and the thousand f_ing natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a f_ing consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To f_ing die, to f_ing sleep;
To f_ing sleep: perchance to f_ing dream: ay, there's the f_ing rub;
For in that f_ing sleep of death what f_ing dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this f_ing mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the f_ing respect
That makes f_ing calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the f_ing whips and scorns of f_ing time,
The f_ing oppressor's wrong, the f_ing proud man's contumely,
The f_ing pangs of despised love, the f_ing law's delay,
The f_inginsolence of office and the spurns
That patient f_ing merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his f_ing quietus make
With a bare f_ing bodkin? who would f_ing fardels bear,
To f_ing grunt and sweat under a weary f_ing life,
But that the f_ing dread of something after death,
The f_ing undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller f_ing well returns, puzzles the f_ing will
And makes us rather bear those f_ing ills we have
Than f_ing fly to others that we know not of?
Thus f_ing conscience does make f_ing cowards of us all;
And thus the native f_ing hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of f_ing thought,
And enterprises of great f_ing pith and moment
With this regard their f_ing currents turn awry,
And lose the f_ing name of action.


2] The Declaration of Independence

        When in the f_ing Course of human events, it becomes f_ing necessary for one people to dissolve the f_ing political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the f_ing powers of the earth, the separate and equal f_ing station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's f_ing God entitle them, a decent f_ing respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the f_ing causes which impel them to the f_ing separation.
         We hold these f_ing truths to be self-f_ing-evident, that all men are created f_ing equal, that they are f_ing  well endowed by their Creator with certain f_ing unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the f_ing pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these f_ing rights, Governments are f_ing well instituted among Men, deriving their just f_ing powers from the consent of the f_ing governed,
 --That whenever any f_ing Form of Government becomes destructive of these f_ing ends, it is the f_ing Right of the People to alter or to f_ing abolish it, and to institute new f_ing Government, laying its f_ing foundation on such f_ing principles and organizing its f_ing powers in such form, as to them shall seem most f_ing likely to effect their f_ing Safety and Happiness. F_ing Prudence, indeed, will dictate that f_ing Governments long established should not be changed for f_ing light and transient causes; and accordingly all f_ing experience hath shewn, that mankind are more f_ing disposed to suffer, while f_ing evils are sufferable, than to f_ing right themselves by f_ing abolishing
the forms to which they are f_ing well accustomed. But when a long f_ing train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing f_ing invariably the same f_ing Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute f_ing Despotism, it is their f_ing right, it is their f_ing duty, to throw off such Government, and to f_ing provide new Guards for their future f_ing security. -


3] The Lord's Prayer

        Our father which art in f_ing heaven, hallowed be thy f_ing name. Thy kingdom come. Thy f_ing will be done, in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this f_ing day our daily f_ing bread. And forgive us our f_ing debts, as we f_ing well forgive our debters.
              And lead us not into f_ing temptation, but deliver us the f_ from evil: For thine is the f_ing kingdom, and the f_ing power, and the f_ing glory, for-f_ing-ever, A-f_ing -men.
 
 














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