Added 11/17/05: The Surrealism Test simply tests the ability or willingness to answer questions. For example: 1.List three lies you have spoken recently. Do not make up any new ones. 1 i told my fiancee that i didnt give my daughter a bottle but a sippy cup 2 i told my fiancee i didnt smoke weed 3 i told my fiancee i was late because my friends friend had a baby 2.Make up and list three new lies. 1 telling my mom i want to become a woman 2 telling my guitar player that im quiting music and becomeing a lawyer 3 telling my self that ive never had sex Most people will hesitate to commit certain answers to paper for fear that loved ones, or other potential inflictors of pain, may discover certain truths. While recognizing that justice is often served by diplomacy, the Test Taker is urged to write out full and honest answers and to reread them at least a month after they have been completed. Even if the Test is then destroyed for reasons of security a major part of its purpose will have been fulfilled. But if you are willing, others are interested in your answers and will share theirs with you. More information follows the body of the Test. 3.Is anyone more important to you than yourself? anything? no because everything is myself so its errevolent 4.Why are you here [job, school, jail, etc.]? i am here because i have been programed and i have accepted the task of coming into this system and busting the old paradigms and bringing about the golden age on earth 5.Do you often feel exalted or especially joyous? How do your peak moments tend to come about? What form do they take? i usaully feel joyous when i make music they peak after i become one with the medium i am using for my art. they usually take the form of expression 6.What things, activities, etc. do you most enjoy? singing, watching cult/art-house, black comedy,surreal, and horror movies, listenign to music, dressing up and presenting my body as art through fashion, philosphy, thinking, nature, spending time with my fiancee and daughter, skateboarding,collecting 7.Are you happy? at times yes 8.Do you have any phobias or irrational fears? only one and thta would to be stuck in one place forever and never being able to move at all 9.How often are you afraid? What of? not often i have learned to take fear out of my life 10.How often are you lonely? never sometimes i need to be alone 11.What do you expect from love? Hope for? love is everything in this universe so i dont expect anything it all ready is 12.What importance do you attribute to sex? actually the only importance i think it has is to keep this race going other than thta to me its nothing special 13.Are you successfully adjusted to your own sexuality? yes finally after a long search 14.What importance do you attribute to physical beauty or ugliness? How do you think it relates to spiritual qualities? physical beauty and uglyness is simple that physical and nothing more i the only way its spirital is because of daulity 15.How close do you want/allow yourself to get to others? How close do others want to get? not to close to to many people because it becomes stressfull but anyone can get however close they want to me its there decision but lately no one wants to get to close 16.What kind of person are you attracted to? strange, mysterious, dark with a hidden light, androgenous, smart, 17.When is the first time you fell in love? The last time? How many times between? 8th grade was the first when i was 19 was the last and 4 times inbetween 18.What do you think of pornography? its very strange and sometimes scary and dark but i am attracted to it for some reason 19.What do you think of the majority of men? there ego's are to big to pridefull 20.What do you think of the majority of women? confusing contradictions but more intune than most males 21.Are you male or female? male 22.What patterns do you see in your life? that i always get cheated on thta i always make things more diffucult for myself i always get pulled back to the town i dislike and i always get jobs in manual labor 23.How do you envision your own future? becomeing a psychologist and also singing in aband at least getting radio play maybe 1 hit song still married with maybe 1 more child i will write a book and direct a film 24.How old do you think you'll live to? How long would you like to live? About how old are you now? i have forseen that i will either die when i am 31 or if i make it through my accident 62 it doesnt matter to me how long i live the sooner i ascend the better i am 21 right now 25.How do you envision the future of the world? well after the split of daulity i see one becoming beautiful and glorious and the other becomeing a hell on earth 26.What is most depressing to you? the fact that people can be so narrowminded and asleep 27.What form do your depressions take [direction, symptoms,etc.]? direction to anger and frustrion 28.How often do you cry? very often 29.Have you ever wanted to kill someone? yes but i dont think i could do it ever and it wasnt a driven hate it was a childish hate 30.How often do you think of death? What do you think?well being that death is the state after life and everyone will have it i think about it constantly but i see it as a liberation just the next phase it should not be feared 31.Do you believe in an afterlife?yes 32.Have you ever tried to commit suicide? What do you think of suicide?no i havent i think it is a differnt way out but i htink the consequences afterwards are not worth it 33.Is insanity a solution? yes 34.How often do you remember your dreams?usually very well unless i am stressed 35.What kind of sensory data do your dreams have [which senses, detail, memory, etc.]? all my dreams are very lucid in nature i have many obe's while i sleep i also belive i have traveled to multi dimensions 36.Are you present in all of your dreams? no 37.Have you ever died in a dream? yes 38.What importance or significance do you attach to dreams? dreams are the parralel life the mean everything they are the mirror metaphors 39.What is your first memory? i am in a house it is dark there is other children i am being droped off at i guess a baby sitter the house is mostly born its morning i think and then i fall back asleep 40.What importance or significance do you attach to memories? memories are what drive us into the future the are the future there is no linear form it takes the form it wants to 41.What importance do you attribute to life, that is, everything living? the same as death 42.Do you believe in ESP or other paranormal phenomena? What paranormal or unexplainable experiences, if any, have you had? to many to name but i have had beings channel through me seen tons of spirts gone beyond the space time continum 43.Are animals conscious? Plants? Rocks? What are your feelings about killing plants and animals to yes everything is we all have our vibrations i will not kill anything purposely but i do undertsand death happens eat? 44.Do you believe in God? What do you mean by God? yes but i do not use the 3rd dimensional human made word god i saw prime creator the one's who consciously thought our universe and many millions like it 45.Do you feel any obligation to work to improve the world?yes its part of my programming 46.What do you spend your money on? music musical equipment food gas things for fiancee things for daughter and around the house movies 47.What do you get out of any artistic activity you do or see? Why? liberation enlightment 48.What importance or significance do you attribute to the imagination? imagination is one of the sub planes thta make up reality it is very important 49.What importance or significance do you attribute to science? once again in daultiy it complets the cycle 50.How much time do you spend thinking? What significance do you attribute to it? all day it keeps me going 51.Do you like yourself? Do you think you would like someone else who was you? yes and yes 52.Do you like your body? What sense do you most appreciate? yes i mappreciate seeing the most 53.Do you think you are unusual? How? yes just evrything about me 54.What is important? evrything and nothing 55.What is the best thing you have ever done?bring my daughter into the world 56.What is the worst thing you have ever done?lie to my fiancee ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Answers received will be stripped of headers and anonymously compiled in a txt file which will be updated and posted on the Surrealism Test Center site which should remain reachable through http://videotics.com You can send answers anonymously through links on the site. Please quote the questions in your submission so it will be easier to read. e-mail m@videotics.com and please email the answers even if you are responding to a usenet posting as my usenet server fails to retrieve many postings. This document is copyright 1995-2000 by the Surrealism Test Center and may be freely copied and distributed electronically or in print provided this is done free of charge and that the entire document, including this notice, is distributed intact. 54.Truth, love, happiness, beauty. what makes up higher reality -------------------------------------------------------------- Added 1/28/04: Ok, here is my answers. That test was too long, but thought-provoking. 1.List three lies you have spoken recently. Do not make up any new ones. You look great. I can fix that for you, no problem. I would be happy to do that for you. 2.Make up and list three new lies. That page is looking really good. You make some great points, I will take those into consideration. I can't think of anymore. 3.Is anyone more important to you than yourself? anything? My children. 4.Why are you here [job, school, jail, etc.]? If you mean this test, I like to look into my self through thought-provoking questions. 5.Do you often feel exalted or especially joyous? How do your peak moments tend to come about? What form do they take? Yes, when I am at the beach in the water and I have finally let the day's events "wash" away. They take the form of peace. 6.What things, activities, etc. do you most enjoy? Spending time with my wife and children, going to the beach, playing tennis. 7.Are you happy? The happiest I have ever been. 8.Do you have any phobias or irrational fears? A million of them. I am constantly worried about doing something wrong, about making a mistake. about something happening to my family, I can make up a worry about anything and it will make me sick and not sleep well. 9.How often are you afraid? What of? See #8 10.How often are you lonely? Sometimes, I miss my friends back on the mainland. Sometimes, I feel lonely, not being alone. 11.What do you expect from love? Hope for? I have it with my family. It is about trust, understanding and care. 12.What importance do you attribute to sex? A bond between my wife to completeness. But, I also think it is about relaxation and peace. 13.Are you successfully adjusted to your own sexuality? Yes. 14.What importance do you attribute to physical beauty or ugliness? How do you think it relates to spiritual qualities? I am not sure how to answer that one. I think beauty comes from within, but I also think the way someone looks shows a lot of who they are inside and how they feel about themselves. 15.How close do you want/allow yourself to get to others? How close do others want to get? Depends on who it is. I am very close to my family, but don't necessarily want to get very close to others. 16.What kind of person are you attracted to? A women that is confident in her looks and intelligence. I don't think I have specifics about hair color or anything like that. By I love women that dress feminine. 17.When is the first time you fell in love? The last time? How many times between? 1st grade with a student. I dreamed about her all the time - Claire. I am not sure the definition you are posing for "fell in love", but the last time was with my wife. But, I am have deep love for my children. 18.What do you think of pornography? Tough one. I love to look at beautiful women, but I don't like how it controls our society and how people are used and exploited. 19.What do you think of the majority of men? I think most men pretend to only care about themselves on the outside, but then take care of their family when it most counts. 20.What do you think of the majority of women? I think they worry too much. I also think they choose the "bad" boy too many times hoping to change them, when there are a lot of good guys out there already. 21.Are you male or female? Male 22.What patterns do you see in your life? I get bored at jobs easily so I move on after 2-3 years. I go into the job and take the job way beyond its description and requirements. I make the place I am working for better than it was before. And, then, I get bored with the day-to-day. Teaching is good for me as it changes every day. 23.How do you envision your own future? My main goal is my kids. 24.How old do you think you'll live to? How long would you like to live? About how old are you now? I am 35, and I will probably live to be about 80, but I am not sure that I really want to live that long. I see these old people that walk so slow it takes them ten minutes to get across the street. I never want my life to become that slow. 25.How do you envision the future of the world? We must come together as one people sometime, because the real adventure is still out there in space. Now, how will this happen. It is not my vision, but I think nations like the US will take over and control other nations until there is just one nation. It will be a struggle of beliefs, but in the end control will be by the most powerful nation imposing its beliefs on others. I am not happy about it, but it is already happening. 26.What is most depressing to you? I don't know. 27.What form do your depressions take [direction, symptoms,etc.]? I become really quiet and reserved. My work is lacking. 28.How often do you cry? Never. At the birth of my daughters, that was about it. 29.Have you ever wanted to kill someone? Probably when I was younger, but I don't get that angry anymore. 30.How often do you think of death? What do you think? Sometimes, mostly I think of my parents and older people dying and about what I will have to do when they do die. Sometimes I worry that my wife or children might die in an accident or something and that really scares me. 31.Do you believe in an afterlife? Yes, I think we come back again and again until we complete our "mission" whatever that is. 32.Have you ever tried to commit suicide? What do you think of suicide? No, I have thought about it, but that was a long time ago when I was in high school. To love a girl and have her tell you she just wanted to be friends, it is so hard. 33.Is insanity a solution? Sometimes I think of myself on the crazy side a little, but not complete insanity. 34.How often do you remember your dreams? All the time. 35.What kind of sensory data do your dreams have [which senses, detail, memory, etc.]? All kinds. I remember events that have happened a lot! But, I also have nightmares about something happening to my family. 36.Are you present in all of your dreams? Yes. 37.Have you ever died in a dream? No. 38.What importance or significance do you attach to dreams? Memories of events so they stay relevant in my mind. A horrible way to live out my fears. 39.What is your first memory? I remember sitting under a big willow tree in summertime. 40.What importance or significance do you attach to memories? Sometimes I wish my memories weren't so clear in my head. They help me to relive mostly my mistakes and regrets. But, they also help me remember really good times. 41.What importance do you attribute to life, that is, everything living? To be respected and cared for. To enjoy the beauty of everything living, except cockroaches and mice. 42.Do you believe in ESP or other paranormal phenomena? What paranormal or unexplainable experiences, if any, have you had? Definitely, I have been in a house that felt so cold and evil. When I left, we did some research and someone was murdered in that house. I have definitely see how it is possible to use the mind to convince others to do things. 43.Are animals conscious? Plants? Rocks? What are your feelings about killing plants and animals to eat? I love beef, but only like it when it is processed like ground beef. I don't like chicken on the bone. I am in denial of what it really was. I think animals have some consciousness, but I don't think they are anywhere at the level of humans. I just don't know what I would eat without the cheeseburger in my diet! 44.Do you believe in God? What do you mean by God? Yes, there is an ultimate spirit that is helping us along. I don't know the form of the ultimate God. 45.Do you feel any obligation to work to improve the world? I feel a desire to better the world with everything I do. To try not to hurt others and to help make the world a happier place to live in. 46.What do you spend your money on? Food, mostly. 47.What do you get out of any artistic activity you do or see? Why? I am a terrible artist, but I love to help students learn how to use technology to draw and do beautiful things for beauty sake. 48.What importance or significance do you attribute to the imagination? It helps me escape the world and think of things that are not real yet. 49.What importance or significance do you attribute to science? It is changing our society and we should devote more money and time to it. Especially space science. 50.How much time do you spend thinking? What significance do you attribute to it? A lot of time. It helps me to understand the world around me and myself. 51.Do you like yourself? Do you think you would like someone else who was you? Yes, I like myself, but I definitely don't want to meet my "twin". There wouldn't be enough space in the room for both our personalities. 52.Do you like your body? What sense do you most appreciate? I am pretty happy with my body, it could be much worse, but it couldn't be that much better. I appreciate the ability to see the most, I am a very visual learner. That is why I consider contacts the greatest invention of all time. 53.Do you think you are unusual? How? Just weird. I am always running around a little wild and happy. Very enthusiastic is what they say most. 54.What is important? My family. 55.What is the best thing you have ever done? Ask my wife to marry me. 56.What is the worst thing you have ever done? Probably the way I lead the girl on through about 3 years of dating on and off. After the first year and I realized she wasn't the "one" and she wasn't going to change, I should have just let her go, but we would break up and I would call her up and then break it off again. I was young, lonely and immature. It was a mistake for me to hurt her like that. Since then, we have reconciled, but I am not happy with what I did. -------------------- Added 4/9/03: 1.-List 3 lies youīve spoken recently. -im not bi, im a good person, i didnt want to go out with someone cos of his knowledge. 2.-Make up and list 3 new ones. -im a new genious filmmaker with a lazyness crisis, i like sushi cos of their color, i dont care about what people think about me. 3.-Is anyone more important to you than yourserlf? anything? Right now my mother and then the cinema... but im not sure of the list order. 4.-Why are you here? i fund this interesting site i though it could be therapeuthical. 5.-Do you often feel exalted or specially joyous?How do your peak moments tend to come about? what form do they take? Not often, they come from little details that gave me mental and psicologic vistories they take forms of a movie to a tear, a drawing, a nice unspoken monologue in my head. 6.-What things, activities, etc. do u most enjoy? making and watching movies, listen to music, painting , reading and talk abour my dreams and ideas. 7.-Are you happy? no 8.-Do you have phobias or irrational fears? irrational fears yes, id like to fly, the idea of wings, and flying on planes but im scared of going up into a high building who has a panoramical view of my beloved city. 9.-How often are you afraid? what of? im afraid about the obvious truths that this comical life give importance and can detroy a social life of a human being.. arent we all afraid of it? 10.-How often are you lonely? Physically never, psychologicly never. 11.-What do you spect form love?Hope for? UNDERSTANDING for god sake! retroalimentation, excentricity, fidelity, and company every time in my life. 12.-What importance do you attribute to sex? its a full time psychosomatic experience where you explore the differences and discover your capacity of living, is vital. 13.-Are you successfully andjusted to your own sexuality? no i hope that ill fix that problem soon. 14.-Wht importnace do you attribute to physical beauty or uglyness?How do you think it relates to spiritual qualities? Im not shallow i like to see and experience beauty but not prefer it... i like uglyness cos its more human than what the man standars think beauty should be..ill find it interesting, it has nothing to hide its radical. 15.-How close do you want/allow yourself to get to the others? How close do others want to get? In the first case im most hermetic it depends who; ill never know how close, but no one has ever came in.. 16.-What kind of person are you attracted to? Intelligent, cultured and right now a bit androginous. 17.-When is the first time u fell in love? The last time? How many times between? Im still realising if i am in love right now, im not sure. 18.-What do you think of prnagraphy? Execises for lazy editors... but its a great biss. 19.-What do you think of the majority of men? scary and wrong 20.-What do you think of the majority of women? Havenīt seen that phenomenon yet, itīll be nice trying to change the world into that. 21.-Are you male or female? female 22.-What patterns do you see in your life? addicted to pleasure in an artistic kind. 23.-How do you envision your own future? Making whatever i want, specially on my films, i dont care about the exccentricity of it.Free. 24.-How old do you think youīll live to? How long would you like to live?About how old are you now? Saddly until 84... i would like to live as long enoght to know what i am searching for, im 20. 25.-How do you evision the future of the world? Boring and tasteless, insensitive, and nasty.And with a lot of gray and brown areas. 26.-What is most depressing to you? reality 27.-What forms do your depressions take (direction, symptoms,etc)? Sad and nice armonic songs to drawings of the scenes i want to film, to crying, to isolation,to hopeless. 28.-How often do you cry? I used to do it every month but now i think 4 times a month. 29.-Have you ever wanted to kill someone? yes 30.-How often do you think of death? What do you think? Everyday, i think how its gonna be, how it affect into the livesof the people around me, what am i gonna see at the end, if there is life. 31.-Do you believe in an afterlife? Im trying to be optimistic and yes. 32.-Have you ever try to commit suicide?What do you think of suicide? Yes; itīs like a fast bad ending of a movie, even if it was useless and nonsense it still the hope of getting better or ironically worst. 33.-Is insanity a solution? Yeah, a clever one. 34.-How often do you remember you dreams? Very much often.. 4 of every 5 times for example. 35.-What kind of sensory data do your dreams have (wich senses,detail,memory,etc)? Im very visual...the colors, the little things details the atmospheres and images full of intense color... all kind of them. 36.-Are you present in all of your dreams? Yes, sometimes im someone else, but i know its me. But usually i protagonice them. 37.-Have you ever died in a dream? no 38.-What importance or significance do you attach to dreams? A lot..cos its a fountain of inspiration, and hidden mystical meanings of future. 39.-What is your firs memory? Acording to me, without exagerating, my momīs womb it was something dark red, like a cave with not much light... 40.-What importance or significance do you attach to memories? a tremendous one, i like to remain every detail if i can create the perfect atmosphere ill do it... ill always try hard to make that people can take a piece of me on their memories forever. 41.-What importance do you attribute for life, that is, everything living? Is to precious to measure or waste ; sometimes so monotonic to talk about, so changable to change your mind, and so faster to realize what it is all about, the meaning... 42.-Do you believe in ESP or other paranormal phenomena? What paranormal or unexplainable experiences, if any have you had? Yes i believe in all forms of paranormal phenomena, but i havent had any experience. 43.-Are animals conscious?plants?rocks?What are your feelings about killing plants and animals to eat? Yes theyīre conscious.Itīs stupid to kill animals to eat cos you sow seeds to feed the animals you eat when you can feed the whole world with this seeds that constitute animals food. But i get used to the animal flavour for cultural education, less than conviction. 44.-Do you believe in god? What do you mean by god? This question is answered backwards: i dont want to limit "god" by calling it, and iconizing it on an image of "god" itīs more than that...i believe in this great inevitable force that make things happen for a reason; but people used to name it "god". 45.-Do you feel any obligation to work to improve the world? No 46.-What do you spend your money on? Books, movies, bus and urban transportation, internet bills, magazines, museums, music, and sometimes my excentricities. 47.-What do you get out of any artistic activity you do or see? Why? Experience of how the things are done and inspiration; cos its part of everyday living you get enought inpiration and information to keep a constan retroalimentation into the world and your society. 48.-What importance or significance do you attribute to imagination? Its an inexhaustible sourse of reflexion, for you and the people around, it originates the necessities and this ones make out the inventions and so on. 49.-What importance or significance do you attribute to science? Itīs important cos explains how things works, gives you maps and detail graphics of thougts and stuff. 50.-How much time do you spend thinking? What significance do you attribute to it? All the time, i found nice to have a paranoid interesting, complete chat to yourself, than with the others... the others get the edited info of you. 51.-Do you like yourself? Do you think would like someone else who was you? yes i like myself and it would be great to meet another like me but perhaps all turns very predictable. 52.-Do you like your body? What sense do you most appreciate? Sometimes yes and no;two of them: to see, and to hear. 53.-Do you think you are unusual? How? Yes.. i usually understand the things very far degrees of the common sense.. sometimes ill make things in a hard way, i took the long way.Complicated, complex. 54.-What is important? Films. 55.-What is the best thing you have ever done? I havent done anything yet. 56.-What is the worst thing you have ever done? A big list... i think liying, i hate hypocrites. ----------------------------------------------- --[This entry added to archive 2/28/03:] The Surrealism Test simply tests the ability or willingness to answer questions. For example: 1.List three lies you have spoken recently. Do not make up any new ones. Can't think of any h It is sunny outside. I am 100% satified w/my life at the moment. The livingroom walls are painted blue. Most people will hesitate to commit certain answers to paper for fear that loved ones, or other potential inflictors of pain, may discover certain truths. While recognizing that justice is often served by diplomacy, the Test Taker is urged to write out full and honest answers and to reread them at least a month after they have been completed. Even if the Test is then destroyed for reasons of security a major part of its purpose will have been fulfilled. But if you are willing, others are interested in your answers and will share theirs with you. More information follows the body of the Test. 3.Is anyone more important to you than yourself? anything? No 4.Why are you here [job, school, jail, etc.]? Bored 5.Do you often feel exalted or especially joyous? No How do your peak moments tend to come about? spontaneously What form do they take? Shared happiness 6.What things, activities, etc. do you most enjoy? sex, writing, eating,walking, dancing, talking, traveling, making things like painting or crafts, snuggling with Agus, reading 7.Are you happy? Yes 8.Do you have any phobias or irrational fears? Yes 9.How often are you afraid? Not often What of? Unwanted guests coming into the house to do us harm. 10.How often are you lonely? It varies, but I about at least once a month I feel loney. 11.What do you expect from love? For it to be unconditional Hope for? that it will last forever 12.What importance do you attribute to sex? I think it is very important 13.Are you successfully adjusted to your own sexuality? Yes 14.What importance do you attribute to physical beauty or ugliness? Alot How do you think it relates to spiritual qualities? It varies. 15.How close do you want/allow yourself to get to others? Very close How close do others want to get? It depends on the person. Most people don't mind opening up to me 16.What kind of person are you attracted to? Kind, friendly,physically attractive, mentally astute and spiritually inclined 17.When is the first time you fell in love? when I was in high school The last time? when I went to Spain How many times between? once 18.What do you think of pornography? it is uneasily very interesting and exciting 19.What do you think of the majority of men? they are power seekers 20.What do you think of the majority of women? negotiators of power 21.Are you male or female? female 22.What patterns do you see in your life? Things happen in threes 23.How do you envision your own future? Yes 24.How old do you think you'll live to? When I was ten I wrote down 57. Now, I don't know. How long would you like to live? Until my health and happiness runs out. About how old are you now? 27-8 25.How do you envision the future of the world? More technology, same major conflicts of power, wealth, love, property, space, people . . . 26.What is most depressing to you? Suffering children 27.What form do your depressions take [direction, symptoms,etc.]? I am less talkative. I sometimes cry. I try and think and reason myself to a happier state. 28.How often do you cry? about every three months 29.Have you ever wanted to kill someone? yes 30.How often do you think of death? very often What do you think? What's is it like, what happens, how does it feel or not feel, what is there or not there... 31.Do you believe in an afterlife? Yes 32.Have you ever tried to commit suicide? Yes What do you think of suicide? It doesn't solve any problems. 33.Is insanity a solution? For some, it depends on how it is manifested and how it is handled or even if it needs to be handled 34.How often do you remember your dreams? Pretty often, about 3 times a week 35.What kind of sensory data do your dreams have [which senses, detail, memory, etc.]? color, smell, physical pain or pleasure, sometimes,but not often sound 36.Are you present in all of your dreams?no 37.Have you ever died in a dream? almost 38.What importance or significance do you attach to dreams? concerns I may have, feelings I may have repressed or spiritual messages 39.What is your first memory? I can't think of it 40.What importance or significance do you attach to memories? They are equivocating, but history helps to live in the present moment. 41.What importance do you attribute to life, that is, everything living? All life should be respected. 42.Do you believe in ESP or other paranormal phenomena? yes What paranormal or unexplainable experiences, if any, have you had? none 43.Are animals conscious? yes Plants? yes Rocks? yes What are your feelings about killing plants and animals to eat? It is the circle of life. 44.Do you believe in God? Yes What do you mean by God? Everything -- life, death, good, bad, control, chaos -- everything 45.Do you feel any obligation to work to improve the world? yes 46.What do you spend your money on? rent, food, being with people we love, modern comforts of technology 47.What do you get out of any artistic activity you do or see? Emotional & mental stimuli Why? It compels me to consider the ideas that may be directly or indirectly represented. 48.What importance or significance do you attribute to the imagination? Alot 49.What importance or significance do you attribute to science? Alot 50.How much time do you spend thinking? All the time What significance do you attribute to it? Alot 51.Do you like yourself? Yes Do you think you would like someone else who was you? Yes 52.Do you like your body? Yes What sense do you most appreciate? All, I couldn't choose. 53.Do you think you are unusual? No and yes. How? There is no one in the world exactly like me, but I probably conform to some cultural patterns. 54.What is important? Health, love and wealth 55.What is the best thing you have ever done? Stayed with Agus 56.What is the worst thing you have ever done? Killed ------------------------------------------------------------------ Added 1/5/03: 1.i) Said i had no memory whatsoever of sending a suicidal e-mail whilst having a suspicion of having done so. ii) lied about origin of scars from cutting. iii) lied about bottles cans hidden. 2.i) i am contented. ii)i've never attempted suicide. iii) i feel i could get better. 3. objects of love, literature... these things can be somewhat egotistical though. 4. necessity... enjoyment of reading. 5. love, music, drugs. feeling of joy and no fear. 6. writing, reading, kissing, talking. 7. no. 8. spiders, failure. 9. occasionally. 10. rarely and always. 11. happiness, personal sense of worth. 12. some. je fais mal l'amour. i seek it but it's depressing at the same time. 13. yes. 14. too great perhaps. 15. completely. this tends to be a bad idea, but wtf. 16. kind, funny, artistic or interested in art. unpretentious. 17. around 15 y.o., around 19 y.o; one. 18. indifferent. 19. boorish. 20. godesses in my head, often ignorant to the point of extreme dullness face-to-face. 21. male. 22. excessive hope, excessive fixation on the past after fleeting joy. 23. more of the same. 24. between 22-29. 25. irrelevant. 26. nothing in particular. perhaps not having been born around 1900. 27. lethargy, inability to concentrate. 28. less often recently, but sometimes a great deal. 29. no. 30. often; thoughts of suicide. 31. no. 32. yes. acte gratuite but tricky. 33. not aware of having been insane, so unsure. 34. too often; they begin to colour consciousness. 35. memory of changed personalities. 36. those that i remember. 37. no. 38. little. 39. kindergarten in america. 40. little. 41. little or none, only on which i can egotisically draw therefrom. 42. no. 43. i eat animals, do not believe in plant/rock consciousness, believe there is little, however do elevate the human above this state. 44. no. 45. no. 46. books, alcohol. 47. pleasure release in writing, reading. sense of relief. 48. a high importance; but a dangerous one. 49. none. 50. a great deal. occasionally it is helpful, but often merely depressing. 51. i can only know myself as other. right now i feel compassion, sarcastically. 52. Perhaps. when i consider my senses, i feel numb - so, no answer for the moment. 53. no. 54. nothing. 55. made a girl smile. 56. made a girl cry. ------------------------------------------------- --[This entry added to archive 3/26/02:] 1. i told dennis i wasnt in love with kaarl. i lied to d.d. about calling gary. ilied about how much drugs i had. 2. i allready have plans tonight. i wasnt here when you stopped by. i will take care of it. 3. no i dont think so. 4. im here on my O.R. 5. yes. i get excited when prophecy unfolds. i start to act "to cool". 6. getting high. good sex. reading books and tarot. surfing the web. 7. i am happy to have my freedom. 8. i have a fear of responsibility 9. atleast 3 times a day. i get scared when i hear the things that liv in my mess move. 10. 24/7 11. happyness and heart ache. i need a balance. 12. a nut and perversion fifillment. very important! 13. oh yeah! 14. its as about as importent as something that doesnt matter can be. 15. if i like someone i will go all the way. if i dont i wont even open the door. 16. never the average bear. all types of power. 17. when i was 14 with mike. just a minute ago with kaarl. to many. 18. got to have it. 19. no comment 20. no comment 21.female 22. strange ones. 23. majical. 24. forever forever forever.21 at the moment 25. agrivating. 26. lack of $. excess of bullshit. 27.bitchiness 28. when ever i want to. 29. yes. 30. hardly ever not worried about it. 31.yes 32. yes im over it. 33. for some, but not for me. 34. once in a while. 35. emotion 36. yes 37. no. 38. a form of creativity. 39. my mom making me laugh. 40. the ultimate link. 41. its all apart of the future and thats important. 42. yes. tons. 43. i have more respect for nature then i do the virus."humans". 44. yes. in my own way. 45. yesss! 46. crap i dont need and some i do. 47. peace of mind. it feels good to create. 48. knowledge is nothing without it. 49. science is knowledge. 50. i dont exist if i dont think. 51. yes. yes. 52. yes all of them. 53. no. 54. exspanding and upgrading. 55. walked the spiritual path. 56. walked away. -- This message has been sent via an anonymous mail relay at www.no-id.com. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --[This entry dded to archive from posting on web 10/2/00:] The following is a sort of testlike questionaire type thing that I originally took about a year ago. Both the questions and answers are of a sometimes deeply personal nature, and they give enormous insight into whomever takes the test. I sat and thought about each individual question and answered them all honestly. My answers have been updated to fit into my present general mindset for the most part. ::: Surrealism Test The Surrealism Test simply tests the ability or willingness to answer questions. For example: 1. List three lies you have spoken recently. Do not make up any new ones. 1. I'm fine. 2. I don't mind. [can't think of a third. i don't lie much.] 2. Make up and list three new lies. 1. I could eat a whole onion right now and not vomit. 2. I want to spend less time with you. 3. I am perfectly content. Most people will hesitate to commit certain answers to paper for fear that loved ones, or other potential inflictors of pain, may discover certain truths. While recognizing that justice is often served by diplomacy, the Test Taker is urged to write out full and honest answers and to reread them at least a month after they have been completed. Even if the Test is then destroyed for reasons of security a major part of its purpose will have been fulfilled. 3. Is anyone more important to you than yourself? anything? Thinking in terms of what I would risk my life for? The people I love. The things that I believe in. 4. Why are you here [job, school, jail, etc.]? I'm here to do exactly what I'm doing at any given moment~ 5. Do you often feel exalted or especially joyous? How do your peak moments tend to come about? What form do they take? a) sometimes b) when it's warm and rainy outside, reading something that's really worth it, being told "I love you" by someone who really matters to me. sometimes my peak moments tend to happen through a series of small events. It's usually unexpected but always appreciated. c) I feel light and bubbly, more sociable, serene, generous. I feel healthy. 6. What things, activities, etc. do you most enjoy? I love music. I love to laugh. communicating successfully. long trips and writing stuff that doesn't suck. creating (art things, lifestuff, situations). good movies and good books. I love being around people who accept everything about me (that seems to be on my mind a lot lately)... 7. Are you happy? at this moment: no, but neither am i unhappy. i'm tired. in general: i'm trying to be. the capacity is there, but i'm usually pretty neutral. 8. Do you have any phobias or irrational fears? ohgod yes, bees. xic odj9kvcslk;/nrh3wjhr9i and walking into crowded places. i also have a fear of getting old that not too many people are aware of, but i'm trying to get over that one. 9. How often are you afraid? What of? a) surprisingly, sitting here thinking about it, not as often as I would think someone like me would be. There are things that, when I sit and think about them I get scared, but seeing as how I try not to confront things like that, it's not often. b) (see #8) hostility, rejection, loneliness, no one caring... i'm afraid of losing my love. and i'm afraid i'll never learn spanish...! 10. How often are you lonely? not often (surprising myself again.) I'm bored more often than lonely. In general, I'm quite comfortable with being alone, and I usually prefer it - with one or two exceptions. 11. What do you expect from love? Hope for? a) It's a phenomenal thing just to find it, why would I want to lay expectations all over it?? b) I hope for everything~ 12. What importance do you attribute to sex? It's up there, but it's certainly not everything. (I don't think I could ever have sex with someone I didn't care about, though, so it's equally important for the emotional connection.) 13. Are you successfully adjusted to your own sexuality? (after much consideration) by myself, as an individual, yes. that typically changes, though, when you bring another person into the equation. that whole 'awkwardness-of-a-new-relationship' deal. but I like sex, and once I'm sexually familiar and emotionally comfortable with a man - then yes. I'm totally open and confident. 14. What importance do you attribute to physical beauty or ugliness? How do you think it relates to spiritual qualities? a) Absolutely none, but I'm a very visual person. I like beautiful people, I like looking at them, but I know that it says nothing of what they're like on the inside, so in that respect it's not important at all. I've also learned through experience (which brought me relief - before that i was going on faith) that outside looks in no way determine who I'd rather hang out with or who I fall in love with in the end. b) There is no correlation. The idea that the two relate is absurd. Spirituality is a beautiful thing, and all spiritual beings are a part of that beauty, regardless of physical appearance. 15. How close do you want/allow yourself to get to others? How close do others want to get? a) It depends on who the 'other' is. There are certain people in life sometimes that I would love to be intimately close to (it's usually a very select few - someone once said of me, "She doesn't like people, but the ones she attaches to... you can't always figure out why."), and there are still others that I prefer not to let in. b) I can't answer that. I can't speak for other people. But I would hope they want to get close. It's a nice feeling. 16. What kind of person are you attracted to? funny (i love laughter), creative, intelligent, kind, affectionate (i need demonstrative affection), open minded, relaxed. I'm attracted to quiet confidence. Someone who makes me feel safe. 17. When is the first time you fell in love? The last time? How many times between? a. i was 17 b. about a year and a half ago c. probably about a million... with a place, with an idea... with my cat :) [i no longer have my cat, though] 18. What do you think of pornography? I don't. You become desensitized to it after a while. (but, hey, if it's your thing... more power to ya...) 19. What do you think of the majority of men? Nice people. I like them. I don't know. The same I would think of all of mankind, I guess. They're a diverse bunch. You can't really accurately judge them as a whole, I don't think. There are those I'd get along with, there are those that I wouldn't. 20. What do you think of the majority of women? see #19 with some added insanity. plus - they're soft. and they smell good. 21. Are you male or female? "she's the most feminine female ever." 22. What patterns do you see in your life? mmm... i see circles. situations always bringing me around to something or someone I've known before. but in a new light. 23. How do you envision your own future? more circles. hopefully building to new circumstances with old comforts. HAPPYSTUFF 24. How old do you think you'll live to? How long would you like to live? About how old are you now? a. i'll live as long as i need to do what i'm here to do. b. well... given my fear of getting old, that's a trick question. c. 24. but i'm about 25~ 25. How do you envision the future of the world? cheesecake for everyone? 26. What is most depressing to you? the thought that i hurt someone, time speeding by, writer's block (lack of creativity), stagnation, being unable to accurately convey my thoughts and emotions, animal cruelty, hostility. "where is my beautiful boyfriend?" 27. What form do your depressions take [direction, symptoms,etc.]? i'm silent. sullen. moody. i withdraw, become a nonperson. i drape myself across the bed and dwell until i can't stand it anymore, and then i'll dwell some more. (i'll talk to someone about it only if i'm absolutely certain that they care, and THAT makes me happy.) 28. How often do you cry? lately? about once or twice a month. it depends, though, on what's going on in my life and how depressed/stressed i am about it. thankfully, though, it's cathartic for me. i feel better afterwards. 29. Have you ever wanted to kill someone? as in, "Ooh, I could KILL you!" yes. but have i actually ever sat and thought seriously of murdering someone, and genuinely wanting to do it? no. 30. How often do you think of death? What do you think? a) i don't often think of it anymore, b) but when i do, it's usually with wonder. i used to think about it a lot. how my own death would happen. i have a strange knack for imagining a way to die in incredible detail, to an extent where i can feel what i'm sure i (or whoever it happened to) would feel (or must have felt) were it to happen to me. (what a mouthfull.) when i was little death absolutely petrified me. now i've come to recognize it as a transition, not really something to be feared in itself (just the 'how' part, and maybe going before i'm done doing what i want to do). 31. Do you believe in an afterlife? yes, of some sort. 32. Have you ever tried to commit suicide? What do you think of suicide? i used to think about it when i was younger, but i think suicide is something we all think about at one point or another, in some way or another. i tend to look down on those who use it as a means of getting attention. But for those who actually go through with it, or are seriously capable of it? It makes me feel sad. There's just so much more, nothing lasts forever. (except Forever.) 33. Is insanity a solution? to what? life? maybe. sanity? most definitely :) 34. How often do you remember your dreams? Pretty often as long as I'm given the chance to reflect on them upon waking. 35. What kind of sensory data do your dreams have [which senses, detail, memory, etc.]? all of the senses except smell and taste. my dreams are pretty detailed for the most part. i often have dreams in which i remember something from my waking life, incorporating it into the dream. 36. Are you present in all of your dreams? i think so, yes. 37. Have you ever died in a dream? yes. 38. What importance or significance do you attach to dreams? i think they're pretty significant if you pay attention to them. sometimes it's just the brain's way of processing the day's events, but other times they can be very key to understanding your deeper self, i think, a bridge to your subconscious. sometimes they're helpful for clueing you in on problems in your life, helping you come up with resolutions. they can also make you aware of feelings you weren't aware of before (or more accurately, were repressing for whatever reason.) i also read somewhere that they're the safest way for higher beings/ spirits/ etc. to communicate with us. but hey, sometimes they're just bullshit dreams, you know? 39. What is your first memory? i swear i remember being in the hospital immediately following my birth. aside from that: around 2 years old. having my picture taken on a big, white, square pillow at my dad's. and i had on this little two piece bathing suit. i was happy. (we still have the picture) 40. What importance or significance do you attach to memories? memories are very important to me. i don't remember things very well anymore, so maybe that's why. 41. What importance do you attribute to life, that is, everything living? muchness. (anything living must really attach a great deal of importance to life, though, don't you think? except the baddies.) 42. Do you believe in ESP or other paranormal phenomena? What paranormal or unexplainable experiences, if any, have you had? a) yes b) too in depth and numerous to recount. 43. Are animals conscious? Plants? Rocks? What are your feelings about killing plants and animals to eat? a) yes. b) i believe they are. c) that threw me off. there has to be a reason you guys are asking the whole world if we think rocks are conscious. do you know something we don't??? (my answer: not usually) d) It's the necessary way of the food chain (survival, yes? gimme an ess, gimme a yoo-), but the way it is done in this country is wasteful, unsanitary and cruel, and that is what I have a problem with. 44. Do you believe in God? What do you mean by God? I do believe in some sort of Higher-ness. I believe in the Universe - a conglomeration of all energy and matter in a beautiful fractal dance with intricate patterns woven throughout. I believe that everything is connected and that everything happens for a reason. 45. Do you feel any obligation to work to improve the world? I do what I can in my little part of the world. 46. What do you spend your money on? 1. things i need. 2. things i want. 3. other people. [sometimes i want things for other people, so 2 and 3 get mixed up] 47. What do you get out of any artistic activity you do or see? Why? a. that's situationally dependent. but for the positive things: joy. peace. hopefully enlightenment, truth. b. why? i don't know why, the feeling just comes. i don't ask it why it's there, i just go with it... 48. What importance or significance do you attribute to the imagination? I think without imagination we would cease to be living. We would simply be surviving. 49. What importance or significance do you attribute to science? I think science is a wonderously hateful thing to be feared and admired. I wish I understood it better. Put that in yer pipe 'n smoke it. 50. How much time do you spend thinking? What significance do you attribute to it? a. that depends on the circumstances in my life. sometimes i'm merely 'feeling.' b. why must everything have significance attached to it?? i refuse to answer anymore questions about significance!! 51. Do you like yourself? Do you think you would like someone else who was you? a. sometimes. i'm overly critical of myself. b. maybe. if i were to meet me as myself i think i'd like her. but if i were a different person then who is to say if that person would like me? 52. Do you like your body? What sense do you most appreciate? a. there are certain things i like about my body. i'm comfortable with it, i guess. b. sight. it's a tough call, though. I think i'd want to kill myself if i could never hear music again. But then again, touch is pretty important too... 53. Do you think you are unusual? How? I can't answer that. To someone else maybe I am unusual, but to myself I'm just me. I'm who I've been at any given time since the day I was born. It's all a matter of someone else's perception. 54. What is important? Everything. Love, truth, faith, hope... The things important to the reader. The things important to you. 55. What is the best thing you have ever done? I've loved, and I have been loved. 56. What is the worst thing you have ever done? Blamed myself for my mother's emotional decline. ________________________________________________________________________________ This document is copyright 1995,2000 by the Surrealism Test Center and may be freely copied and distributed electronically or in print provided this is done free of charge and that the entire document, including this notice, is distributed intact. 54. Truth, love, happiness, beauty. << transcend >> whisper Date: Thu, 23 May 1996 22:36:15 -0400 (EDT) > 1.List three lies you have spoken recently. Do not make up any new > ones. 1. I've been sick. 2. It wasn't my fault. 3. I value your friendship. > 2.Make up and list three new lies. 1. I feel driven to write poetry. 2. I understand where you're coming from. 3. Of course I'm not a virgin. > 3.Is anyone more important to you than yourself? anything? Well, I have often asked myself: if I had a choice between saving my own life and saving someone else's, who would I save? I've always felt strongly that I would save the other person, and yet I know that I wouldn't value the other person's life more than my own. I would save the other person because I've been taught from childhood that that would be the right thing to do, and I'd feel guilty if I didn't do it. So I guess you could say I consider certain social mores to be more important than myself. > 4.Why are you here [job, school, etc.]? What importance or > significance do you attach to it? I'm in school because it beats working. I enjoy it, but if something better came along, I'd take it. > 5.Do you often feel exalted or especially joyous? How do your peak > moments tend to come about? What form do they take? Well, they definitely don't happen often. I sometimes feel elated by a book or a work of art, and the elation seems to come from a feeling of kinship with the artist. As for real-life events, generally such feelings aren't triggered by a single event, but by a series of good events that accumulate. What form do they take? Well, I guess you could say I just feel all bubbly inside. I'm more sociable, have more energy. > 6.What things, activities, etc. do you most enjoy? Hmmm... more than anything I like talking to a friend who seems to understand me. I enjoy creating things, and I like feeling useful. I like working on any project when I know that there will be a tangible finished product. > 7.Are you happy? Oh god... yes and no. I always have the capacity to be happy. But I'm often depressed. I guess you could say I'm happy to be alive, but not often happy with life. > 8.Do you have any phobias or irrational fears? Yes--dogs and thunderstorms. > 9.How often are you afraid? What of? I'm afraid whenever I start contemplating all the things that could happen to me. Sometimes I feel very afraid when I'm alone in the house, or when I have to walk in the dark. > 10.How often are you lonely? Almost every day at some time. > 11.What do you expect from love? Hope for? I expect a companion. I hope for a soulmate. > 12.What importance do you attribute to sex? As much as anyone else, though perhaps I view it as a more important milestone than some people do. > 13.Are you successfully adjusted to your own sexuality? Oh, I suppose so. > 14.What importance do you attribute to physical beauty or ugliness? > How do you think it relates to spiritual qualities? I try not to attach any importance to it, but I sometimes find myself judging people by their looks anyway. I would like to think it doesn't relate to physical qualities at all. Still, sometimes when I'm deeply moved by a book or poem, and then I see a picture of the author, I feel disappointed if he/she isn't attractive. > 15.How close do you want/allow yourself to get to others? How close do > others want to get? I want to get extremely close to a select few; with others, I tend to keep a certain respectful distance. Other people tend not to want to be as close as I do, though there is the occasional valuable exception. > 16.What kind of person are you attracted to? To one who is like me, but who also has some qualities that I don't have and would like to possess. Above all, to a gentle person. > 17.When is the first time you fell in love? The last time? How many > times between? First time was in third grade, last time.... just a couple of months ago. In between... about fifteen times, counting "puppy love." Three times seriously. > 18.What do you think of pornography? It gets monotonous after a while. > 19.What do you think of the majority of men? The *majority* of men? In the *world*?... I can't judge a group so large and diverse. > 20.What do you think of the majority of women? See #19. > 21.Are you male or female? Female. > 22.What patterns do you see in your life? Patterns of self-destruction. Of wanting things but not being willing to do what it takes to get them. Of killing things by wanting them too much. > 23.How do you envision your own future? I try not to think about it too much. I hope to have a successful career and get married. > 24.How old do you think you'll live to? How long would you like to > live? About how old are you now? I think I'll probably live to my mid-eighties. I'm not sure how long I'd like to live--I wouldn't want to live long enough to be lonely, but I don't want to die soon enough to hurt lots of people who care about me, either. I guess there's really no right time to die. I'm 21. > 25.How do you envision the future of the world? The world will carry on somehow. I hope that mankind will continue with it and that television and computers won't destroy civilization. > 26.What is most depressing to you? The thought that this might be all there is to life. > 27.What form do your depressions take [direction, symptoms,etc.]? I cry a lot, stay in bed, and sometimes cut myself. I lose interest in everything. Sometimes I drink. I keep hoping for some magic potion I can drink to make everything better. To ease the feeling in my chest. > 28.How often do you cry? Three or four times a week. > 29.Have you ever wanted to kill someone? Yes. > 30.How often do you think of death? What do you think? When I'm hurt or embarrassed, I sometimes envision myself being hanged--being jerked up by the neck, out of this world and away from the pain. I guess I think of death daily. > 31.Do you believe in an afterlife? I don't know. > 32.Have you ever tried to commit suicide? What do you think of > suicide? I've never tried, or even seriously considered it. It holds a certain glamour, I suppose. But I could never go through with it. > 33.Is insanity a solution? Not really. It results in the loss of power and credibility. > 34.How often do you remember your dreams? Very often. > 35.What kind of sensory data do your dreams have [which senses, > detail, memory, etc.]? Sight and hearing; a fair amount of detail. Often I have "memories" in dreams that seem quite real, though they are memories of things that never really happened. > 36.Are you present in all of your dreams? Yes. > 37.Have you ever died in a dream? No. > 38.What importance or significance do you attach to dreams? They tend to affect my mood for the day, but I usually don't look for meaning in them. > 39.What is your first memory? Stepping barefoot on a bee at age two or so. > 40.What importance or significance do you attach to memories? A great deal, especially to childhood memories. > 41.What importance do you attribute to life, that is, everything > living? I have nothing to compare it with so I can't assess its importance. > 42.Do you believe in ESP or other paranormal phenomena? What > paranormal or unexplainable experiences, if any, have you had? I generally don't believe in such things, but I do try to keep an open mind. > 43.Are animals conscious? Plants? Rocks? What are your feelings about > killing plants and animals to eat? Animals yes; plants, I don't know; rocks, no. Killing other species in order to survive is a fact of life. > 44.Do you believe in God? What do you mean by God? I don't know, on both counts. > 45.Do you feel any obligation to work to improve the world? I feel an obligation to do what I can to relieve individuals' suffering. > 46.What do you spend your money on? Books, CDs, the phone bill. I don't know where it all goes, to be honest--I wish I did! > 47.What do you get out of any artistic activity you do or see? Why? I...enjoy it. At times it can affect my life profoundly. If I could explain it in words we wouldn't need art. > 48.What importance or significance do you attribute to the > imagination? The imagination is what allows us to relate to other people. > 49.What importance or significance do you attribute to science? All this talk about "importance or significance"... Why does everything have to have significance? I *like* science. > 50.How much time do you spend thinking? What significance do you > attribute to it? I think all the time. I refuse to answer any more "significance" questions! > 51.Do you like yourself? Do you think you would like someone else who > was you? Sometimes. > 52.Do you like your body? What sense do you most appreciate? I don't like my body at all. I guess I appreciate sight most, though I wouldn't want to give up any of the senses. > 53.Do you think you are unusual? How? I think everyone feels unusual. But we always find that other people are more like us than we'd imagined. > 54.What is important? Whatever you want to be important. > 55.What is the best thing you have ever done? I don't know--all the good things I've done seem so small. > 56.What is the worst thing you have ever done? There's a lot of competition. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 25 Feb 1996 17:51:20 UTC 1. I haven't got time. That's interesting I'll be glad to. ' 2. I have to work late. I'm helping him with his computer I nver watch television. 3. No. Nothing. 4. I'm here for the money, for the community, and for status. It's important that it pays me well enough to indulge my whims and live well. It's significant in its ability to confer a certain status and to let me use skill. It is significant also in preventing me from practicing other skills, perhaps more creative or constructive. I have felt exalted or jouyous, and felt jouyous today in the warm sun. My peak moments tend to come about when I have published some writing, solved a problem, eaten something delicious that I've cooked, made love, or discovered something. I also experience peak moments acting spontaneously in concert with others. This is truly magical. 6. I enjoy movies, mixing paint, writing, cooking, eatings, dancing, making love, and fooling men. 7. I'm just so damn happy. 8. All my fears are irrational. I am phobic that my insanity will be recognized by others. 9. I'm afraid most of the time. Of the opprobrium of others. Of being caught in flagrante delicto. Of being physically harmed. Of being overpowered in any way. 10. I am lonely much of the time, although I love solitude. 11. I expect constancy and orgasms from love. I expect psychic nurturance in exchange for physical nutriment. I seek adulation, admiration, and support. I want to be held. I hope for no conditions. 12. Sex is the most important and the funniest thing in the world. 13. I am quite maladjusted to my own sexuality, which tends to be polymorphous. 14. I rate physical beauty quite high. I prefer people and environments that please me aesthetically. Ugliness takes on spiritual importance, because I must strive to overcome my disgust with it, and therefore need to master my instincts to achieve social justice. Beauty relates to spiritual qualities in its close proximity to the ideal. 15. I want to be closer to others than I allow. I think others want about the same amount of closeness that I do--that is, we are all ambivalent about this. Need freedom and privacy as much as intimacy. 16. I'm attracted to people with striking physical presence, quick with. I tend to like overrefined people, and those who practice the arts of painting and writing (even if they don't meet my standards of physical beauty.) 17. I first fell in love with my father when I was about three years old. I last fell in love with one of my teachers. About thirty or forty times between. 18. I think pornography should be better written, because I love it. I would like to find some really satisfying pornography. Most of it is stupid or violent. 19. The majority of men are deluded power-hungry, frightened fools. 20. The majority of women suffer from bad taste and fear of their own sexual power. 21. I've been female most of my life. 22. I see patterns of tension and vacillation in my life, as well as patterns of breakdown and renewal. I wish I saw patterns of consistent constructive growth, but we all have our dreams. 23. My future seems to me a dream to which I am constantly awakening. Sometimes I get what I have worked or wished for, and it scares me. 24. I think I'll live to be about 70, but I would like to live forever. I'm in my early forties now. 25. The world will muddle on. Areas of lucidity will increase, but so will areas of miserable suffering. 26. Physical and mental frustration is most depressing to me--my own and that of others. Too much stupid worrying by fools who think we're living in the worst time ever also depresses me. 27. When I am depressed, I am frozen in tepidity, made into mud. I cannot feel or think of a way to move and cannot forget my limitations. 28. I seldom cry. I would like to cry more often. 29. Yes, I have often wanted to kill people. I try to forget them instead. This has worked so far. 30. I think of death more than once a day. I think it is the only thing that stands between us and sex. I think death wants us to fulfill its hidden agenda. I think it will be a marvelous experience. There may be more deaths beyond death. Nobody's saying except the priests, and I believe they're wrong about it. 31. I believe in constant and various afterlives. 32. I have never actively tried to commit suicide. I have felt suicidal, but suicide seems to me the bore's way out. Then again, I think suicides are brave bores. 33. Yes. Insanity forces other people to take care of one's basic needs, which can be tedious. 34. I do not remember my dreams as often as I would like. 35. Color, sound, fear, texture, heat and cold, levitation, memory, desire. 36. I am present in all of my dreams, though transformed. 37. I cannot recall. Yes, and it turned out to be deja vu. 38. Dreams are utterly significant to me. They have shown me the way the world works and the face of my fears and hopes. There is no flim-flam in dreams. They tell it straight. 39. I am in a hotel room with many large relatives. There are other babies there. 40. Memories are vast. Each is different each time you recall it. They each wax and wane in significance over time. I have used them for revenge. 41. Everything living is God. I am awed. 42. ESP and paranormal experiences are all true. It is unfortunate that so many stupid people make them cute. I do not think these potentials should be overlooked. I constantly have paranormal experiences. Only lately have I learned to integrate them into my seemingly respectable daily life. 43. Animals are conscious of their animality. Plants of their vegetation; rocks of their temperature. Killing releases the energies that I need to live. Therefore, it is good for me. These animals and plants must die for my sins. Amen. 44. I believe in God. God is the great unconscious of existence. God contains everything that can be imagined, but does not judge it. 45. I feel that by staying alive and maintaining my ties to my fellow humans I am improving the world. I wish I did it better. I do not believe that I can better the world by joining a political group, however. I think that will make things worse. 46. Food, clothing, art, transportation. 47. Artistic activity that I do or see exalts me. It brings me into expanded consciousness. It reminds me that I am alive in a way that rocks, plants, and animals cannot be. The more human I become, the better. Art is the way to be human. 48. Imagination is the supreme power. 49. Science gives many wonderful ideas, and is a powerful obsession. It is often wrong because it fails to account for the immeasurable. 50. I spend too much time thinking. Most of my thought is insignificant. Only when I am thinking in concert with my imagination do I believe my thought has power. 51. Yes, I like myself. Especially when I am strange. I would be jealous of someone else who was me. 52. My body is great. Vision is my favorite sense. 53. I am unusually normal, but too sensitive and too quick. I'm also lazy. I'm also eccentric in my views. This is occasionally a liability, but more often an asset. 54. Power is very important. Life is power to exist. 55. I have changed someone else's mind. 56. I have allowed my mind to be changed against my wishes. ----------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 09 Feb 1996 05:53:23 -0500 : Surrealism Test : The Surrealism Test simply tests the ability or willingness to answer questions. For example: : 1.List three lies you have spoken recently. Do not make up any new ones. 1. I have been completely sober for the last two weeks. 2. I am almost completely done with all that makeup work. 3. I love you. : 2.Make up and list three new lies. 1. I really value and respect what you have to say. 2. I am really scared of the big bad Congress. 3. I can change myself if I need to. : 3.Is anyone more important to you than yourself? anything? No; it is human nature to be selfish. "Selfish" is not a bad word. : 4.Why are you here [job, school, etc.]? What importance or significance do you attach to it? My parents are forcing me. : 5.Do you often feel exalted or especially joyous? How do your peak moments tend to come about? : What form do they take? Joy comes through anticipation of the great things that will come (and are coming) in my life. Joy comes through revelation of a hidden truth. Like something I read in a poem or see in a sculpture or painting. : 6.What things, activities, etc. do you most enjoy? Sex, shopping, eating, dancing, singing, in that order. : 7.Are you happy? I actually just started taking an antidepressant today and so today I've been kinda mellow. Besides that, I've been creatively unhappy for years and years. : 8.Do you have any phobias or irrational fears? I keep being afraid that I am dropping things. So I constantly turn around and trace my steps backwards, searching for nothing. I'm terrified that I'm accidentally dropping things. : 9.How often are you afraid? What of? Every day. Not living up to my parents' expectations. I used to be able to live up to them comfortably but recently it has become much more difficult. : 10.How often are you lonely? When I'm by myself. But also when I'm around other people because people tend to be stupid. : 11.What do you expect from love? Hope for? Love is understanding and acceptance. I hope and expect that my lover will accept where I've been, where I am now and where I am heading. : 12.What importance do you attribute to sex? It is absolutely essential. Sex makes the world go 'round. : 13.Are you successfully adjusted to your own sexuality? Completely. : 14.What importance do you attribute to physical beauty or ugliness? How do you think it relates to : spiritual qualities? I must admit; I place an inordinate amount of importance on good looks. An OK-looking person will do but a good-looking person sets me on fire. I see no correlation between looks and spirituality. : 15.How close do you want/allow yourself to get to others? How close do others want to get? I'm a complete misanthrope. I do not like letting people too close because too often I get hurt or let down by them. Some try to get really close but if they succeed, 9 times out of 10 they don't like what they see and leave. : 16.What kind of person are you attracted to? A person who understands, nurtures and supports me. A person with empathy. Good looks don't hurt either... (see #14) : 17.When is the first time you fell in love? The last time? How many times between? First time and the last time was September of 1994. : 18.What do you think of pornography? I'm completely for it, hands down (couldn't help the pun, sorry). AS long as it does not humiliate the subject and they are not being abused, it's fine by me. : 19.What do you think of the majority of men? Unfortunately, most men have been brainwashed by society to support the androcracy. They also think they have free liberty to do whatever they please because Jesus died for their sins. : 20.What do you think of the majority of women? Much smarter than men, much more human than men, unfortunately, however, many women have also been brainwashed by society into accepting the subservient roles that men have put them in. : 21.Are you male or female? Male. : 22.What patterns do you see in your life? Dark, ominous-looking patterns. Multiple forms of self-destruction. Cravings for attention. Overcompensation for low self esteem. Patterns of abusive relationships both in and out of family. : 23.How do you envision your own future? Great things to come. Behold; I am coming soon. : 24.How old do you think you'll live to? How long would you like to live? About how old are you : now? I'll live to be over 100 and I'd like to live about that long (although eternal life sounds very appealing). Now I am 18. : 25.How do you envision the future of the world? Cheesecake for everyone. Lots of death, the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, Mother Earth shatters into four quarters after being hit by a meteor in the year 2000... : 26.What is most depressing to you? That I was not allowed to live my own life. Everything I have done in my life for the last 15 years is a direct result of the years of childhood abuse I went through. If I were not abused, what would I be like? Would I still be smart? Would I still like the same things? I'll never know. : 27.What form do your depressions take [direction, symptoms,etc.]? Loneliness and sometimes either planning a way to get my revenge on the world or planning how I can kill myself. I get downright mean to others. I sleep more than usual and become a nonperson. : 28.How often do you cry? Not enough. I cried through my entire childhood; I have no more tears. : 29.Have you ever wanted to kill someone? Actually, yes. It's one of my fantasies to kill someone simply to watch them die. I'm positive I am capable of killing someone and if I am attacked by someone, I will gladly kill them without remorse. : 30.How often do you think of death? What do you think? All the time. I think about how much I wish I were dead; I wonder which notions of death are correct... I think of how peaceful it must be and how nice it must be to be ALONE. : 31.Do you believe in an afterlife? Yes. I totally suscribe to the entire Buddhist comcept of reincarnation, etc. And I know for a fact that my soul has been around for a very long time and has been reborn many many times. This current life may be my last one, depending on how well I can straighten things out. : 32.Have you ever tried to commit suicide? What do you think of suicide? Many times, the worst one being when I tried to OD on opiates (long story). I believe that if a person attempts suicide and is successful, it was meant to be. Likewise, if they fail, that, too, was meant to be.  : 33.Is insanity a solution? I suppose... I've actually been committed to a psychiatric ward before and I still believe that I am completely looney-tooney. Living in insanity can be helpful in surviving this world. : 34.How often do you remember your dreams? All the time unless I mess up my sleep schedule. My dreams are vivid and very unusual. : 35.What kind of sensory data do your dreams have [which senses, detail, memory, etc.]? All of the above. I have dreams in color, dreams where I have a memory and thinking abilities, dreams with all the senses used on overdrive. One of the scariest dreams I recently had was scary because in the middle of the dream I started to have an acid flashback. Very scar-y. : 36.Are you present in all of your dreams? Yes. : 37.Have you ever died in a dream? Yes. But I always wake up shortly after the death scene. : 38.What importance or significance do you attach to dreams? They are a total bridge to my unconscious. I have much more difficulty accessing my unconscious in my waking hours. : 39.What is your first memory? Breastfeeding. I remember the warmth of my mother's breast, the motherly smell of her skin. I felt warm, safe, complete, and entirely protected from the rest of the world. : 40.What importance or significance do you attach to memories? A great deal of significance, bearing in mind that the same memory from different people will suffer from the different point-of-views. : 41.What importance do you attribute to life, that is, everything living? LIFE=PAIN. Living things ahould just keep on living because it won't be too long before the end will come. : 42.Do you believe in ESP or other paranormal phenomena? What paranormal or unexplainable : experiences, if any, have you had? I have many psychic abilities but I don't (unfortunately) exercise them as often as I should. I did have an out-of-body experience, however, where I went to this area on the way to nirvana. I (my astral body) was summoned there by a dead relative who I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to before his passing. He also visited other people in the family around the same time. : 43.Are animals conscious? Plants? Rocks? What are your feelings about killing plants and animals to : eat? Yes, yes and no. I was a strict vegetarian for 3 years once and at that time I was vehemently opposed to eating any flesh. But on the same exact day I had decided to stop being a vegetarian, I went out and had a big, juicy hamburger. Was I a hypocrite? I don't know. Killing plants and animals for food is OK but the way it done in this country is wasteful, unsanitary and cruel. : 44.Do you believe in God? What do you mean by God? Not a conventional God. I believe in Fate/Destiny. Things happen for a reason. Everything that happens is important to the grand scheme of things in some way. But this concept of God supports predestination, precluding free will. : 45.Do you feel any obligation to work to improve the world? For a while I was very active in doing that but it got to be overwhelming because so many people in the world are just complete idiots. Now I do some work and it's minimally satisfying. : 46.What do you spend your money on? Sex, drugs, clothing, cosmetics, fine food, medical expenses. I'm a complete spendthrift. : 47.What do you get out of any artistic activity you do or see? Why? I always keep it in my head long enough until I crack it's code and understand how it functions and what I can learn from it. Artistic activities are cathartic for me. They allow for long periods of introspection. : 48.What importance or significance do you attribute to the imagination? Imagination is the rain and the sunlight and the nutrients to the seed of humanity. It allows us to grow, mature, discover, believe. : 49.What importance or significance do you attribute to science? Science is ridiculous. It's gone so far that it has lost credibility. Like whenever a new scientific breakthrough is mentioned via the media, everyone says, "Oh? So that's what they're saying this week, eh?" : 50.How much time do you spend thinking? What significance do you attribute to it? I'm always in my head. Most of the time I am trying to decide what major direction I want my life to go. I attribute a lot of my powers of understanding to my periods of inrospection. I've met only one other person who thinks as often as I do. It's actually my problem- I think too much. Just like Hamlet. And look how he turned up... DEAD. : 51.Do you like yourself? Do you think you would like someone else who was you? I've been psychologically conditioned by the abusers of my childhood to never feel any amount of self- worth. I just wanna be normal. : 52.Do you like your body? What sense do you most appreciate? I'd love to lose weight and get more muscule... My body is rather beautiful, however, at times. My favorite sense is sight... Visuals are happy. : 53.Do you think you are unusual? How? Completely. It's not even a conscious thing, either. I just can not stand the heterogeneity that exists in our society. I seek out innovative artists, people, places and explore them. : 54.What is important? It is important to be more like a rushing river than a stagnant lake. Change. Become. Evolve. Avoid gettting stuck in a rut because it will kill you, like a fish that is unable to swim. It needs to keep moving so the oxygen will enter the gills. : 55.What is the best thing you have ever done? Making people laugh, making people excited, making people get out of their seats and enjoy themselves.. : 56.What is the worst thing you have ever done? Becoming my own worst enemy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 26 Jan 1996 01:35:55 UTC my answers 1. a.yeah, i'll call in today. b.i can't be bothered with juvenile things like illegal street drugs right now. c.no, we didn't do anything saturday night. 2. a.i could eat an entire avacado right now, and not vomit. b.of course the government has the best interests of its citizens in mind. they are here to help. c.i think clinton is doing an admirable job as the leader of this country. i'm voting for him in the next election. 3.it sounds terrible, but i am the most important person, to me. if i weren't around in the first place, how would i be able to tell who or what is most important to me? however, on second thought, i have invested a lot of sentiment in a green flannel feather pillow i have. the case is in rags, most of the feathers are gone, and yet i still hold on to it. the pillow is a close second. 4.i am here right now to continue evolution. i can't find any significance to attach to it right now. 5.i feel exalted, joyous, or whatever, when eating a persimmon, kissing in the rain, coming up with the perfect comeback, swimming, etc etc. i am not the world's deepest person. i can honestly say i find no pleasure or joy from writing poetry in a rainy garret. i reach peaks, dumbly enough about three days after my period. then i feel like i am in top physical and mental shape--for me at least. 6.i enjoy playing cards, singing, dancing, getting drunk with old friends, any activities deemed irresponsible or juvenile. also readingreadingreading. 7.i think i was happy for a long time, because i was trying to hide some realistic situations from myself, so right now, i am miserable, but in some ways happier than two years ago. 8.outer space (that is, being in it), swimming in the ocean, these bizarre cockroach/cricket mutants that are only found in los angeles, being ripped to shreds by sharks, and icebergs. 9.this night. i was scared my brother was going to die. 10. i am lonely on average, oh, every second of my waking hours. 11. i expect the chocolate enzyme. no, i expect a lot of joy and a lot of pain. i hope for my mexican prince to ride up on his white horse and take me to vegas for a wedding. 12. sex is the greatest sensation out there, so i give it its own special catagory. however, i think sex without any real connection between the two participants can lead to some very grumpy masturbation and ill will. so it all depends on how one approaches the question. but i do attach a lot of importance to sex. 13. yes 14. beauty is in the eye of the beholder. look at brad pitt. i think he is a dog fart, but at the same time, women around the world are mailing him their panties. the ancient greeks thought a "youth's" beauty was a great basis for judgements on the kid's intelligence. but i don't think there is any significant spiritual qualities to be found in people of great beauty or ugliness. 15. i don't like to get too close to people i know, unless we spend a lot of time together or are friends for a very long time. i have found the majority of the people who have tried to become close to me try to take advantage of me in one form or another. this has made me somewhat cautious, and people wanting to know me a little better can see this in me. 16. i am attracted to a sense of humor, a strange perspective, intelligence, and shamefully enough, a cute ass. 17. first love, thirteen, last, three weeks ago. between, once. 18. if someone wants to watch it, it isn't my business. frankly though, i can't watch them with men because i start to laugh, and this embarrasses them. 19. i love men. 20. women are ok. though most of my friends are guys. women appreciate subterfuge a little too much for my comfort. 21. female. 22. i think i haven't lived long enough to trace any major patterns. although i see a great big huge poverty pattern, and it sucks donkey dick, i assure you. 23. all kinds of crazy shit and excitement. hopefully i will be doing the things i want to do instead of what others want from me. 24. forever, of course. but then i would get tired. around my nineties, maybe 100. long enough to see the next halley's comet. 18. 25. seas will boil over. mountains will quake and rend. thunderclouds, dark and ominous will gather at every horizon. you know the rest. 26. the fact that i can't seem to appreciate solitude like kafka can. i am lonely for companionship of the masculine variety. 27. when i am depressed, i need to be warm at all times, bathe at least seven or eight times in each twenty four hour period, and i hardly eat at all, but i drink a lot of fluids. if i were depressed, yet lived in my own fantasy world, i would be placed in a tiny, windowless room, blazing hot. there would be a monsterous bed, and i would just get into the bed and sleep for...around two, maybe three weeks. 28. in life, i cry only when my family guilts me enough to. and i do succumb to their petty little wars. but any movie, book or song the least bit sentimental and the waterworks start. 29. oh, yes. 30. occasionally. i think of the casket. i think of someone desecrating the ground i am buried in. i am afraid of being buried without the proper preparations according to my religion. 31. yes. 32. i have never tried suicide. i don't think it is really my place to air my views on suicide, but ok. i don't think it is the right decision, but sometimes none of the options are the right decision. 33. solution? sure. for me? no. 34. 99.999_% percent of the time. 35. i can hear, smell, feel, and see. i haven't been offered anything to taste yet, so i don't know if i retain that sense in my sleep. everything is in full color, and the dreams are so horrible and realistic, there have been several instances where i wake to find damp and dried tears on my bed from trying to wake up. 36. yes. and almost always an active participant. rarely if ever a third party observer. 37. in more than i could possibly enumerate. 38. maybe, maybe not. truth is, i haven't drawn my own conclusions yet because i don't have enough information to base them on. so i don't know. 39. i am sitting in my highchair covered with blue, gingham patterned plastic. my mother is on the phone, arguing with my father because he doesn't want to spend time with me or my brother or sister. my mother cries. 40. hopefully i learn from my memories. i think there is significance in memories. 41. all life is important. it is a web. i think everything is living. 42. yes. how many stars are there in the sky? too many to count. ditto for my experiences. 43. animals are conscious. science has yet to point out any nerve endings in plants or rocks. no cns's--so until proven otherwise, plants and rocks are not conscious. 44. i believe in god, hokey as it may sound. the traditional, mono-theis. 45. another i don't know yet. on some levels yes. 46. rent, bills, gas, cigarettes, foods, clothing, and music. 47. art is a very bad subject for me to go into. hence i won't. 48. imagination? if adam didn't have imagination, he never would have screwed eve, and then where would we be? imagination is everything. all my life, my two best friends have been my imagination, and my literacy. 49. i like science, but only because it is a discipline i take to very easily. i don't know if i neccessarily believe it to be the end all be all, it gives atheists a lot of comfort. so i think it is pretty important. 50. i never stop thinking. not once. my brain is in constant activity, and when i experimented with drugs, i was hoping all that mad activity would cease. no such luck. i don't attach any significance to this. at all. 51. i try to be the best person i can be. whatever that is. not that i am succeeding, but i give myself points for effort. thus, if i were to find a twin out there, i think i would like her. 52. yes. it is in good working order, gets me where i need to go, and it doesn't cause mirrors to shatter when i walk past them. my favorite sense would be either taste or smell. i just can't make up my mind. 53. sure. i am human. 54. breathing, drinking, eating, and fucking. and in that particular order. everything else can be negotiated. 55. told the truth. 56. told the truth.----------------------------------------------------------- --- Date: Wed, 10 Jan 1996 00:57:36 UTC 1.List three lies you have spoken recently. Do not make up any new ones. -Nowadays I'm not lying anymore. In fact I'm often dishonnest with both others and myself.ha ha (reserved but apparently sincere amused smile) in the other hand I wouldn't recognize I'm fond of a person. 2.Make up and list three new lies. -Interested glance at a motorbike someone proudly presents to me. -"No, I'm not excited in driving fast and roaring engines" after the same someone accelerated me with its monster. -... 3.Is anyone more important to you than yourself? anything? Who me...(?) What fills me at the moment (an idea, an utopia, a child dancing in the street, a colour, the ways of a person, a fear) is most important. This means, excepted for an impulsive and courageous (yet likely disastrous) move in a hypothetical crisis situation in front of me, I'm rather selfish and unaware of selfishness being a "bad thing". I guess I never loved anyone, but I could. 4.Why are you here [job, school, etc.]? What importance or significance do you attach to it? Why I stay here is to see and play. Actually it's more to hope in surprises and to stack as many possibilities as possible (stacking the knowing of their potential existences) 5.Do you often feel exalted or especially joyous? How do your peak moments tend to come about? What form do they take? The idea of the place (in virtual space or time) a law will or could be broken makes me joyfull. A human law, a technical "law", a natural law, and most of all: psychologic laws. It takes the form I'm cheerfully certain I will keep a grip on my brain's swerve glimpse and develop into this direction and build and go there. 6.What things, activities, etc. do you most enjoy? Dreaming and dreaming awake. Considering and calculating huge tech thingies, but it's more like something I can't help doing than something I really enjoy. I write long long letters too, this I used to like. ... (else "anyone" enjoys) 7.Are you happy? Not surprisingly I'm not satisfied. 8.Do you have any phobias or irrational fears? Spiders I jump. Authority (hierarchy that tries to dictates and get angry when I think and argue because we are equals) it really drives me mad and already broke me appart for months. Even a small amount (quantity) of authentic authority (quality) I can't. This becomes a problem. 9.How often are you afraid? What of? I used to often have various nightmares. When I'm awake I'm afraid of mental stagnation. It keeps me awake until I find something (anything that sparks). 10.How often are you lonely? Often. 11.What do you expect from love? Hope for? I expect having much difficulty to encounter any beloved one. I hope something like Maurice and Katia Kraft who spent there life on volcanoes and died together in a nuee ardente. Imposing. Or the classic union, fusion. Or "just" going spining together, far, I hope. 12.What importance do you attribute to sex? It could be nice. I stay on a childish "innocence" and curiosity idea of the thing. I find sex to be imperialistic. 13.Are you successfully adjusted to your own sexuality? Not at all : I have no sexuality, with high needs for. I wonder how monks manage to concentrate on their bible. 14.What importance do you attribute to physical beauty or ugliness? How do you think it relates to spiritual qualities? As for the beauty scale itself I don't know. But I always find fairly physically attractive a woman who's spirit appeals to me. Unless... Some women have high "spiritual qualities" and a really awful body and such a not graceful face nothing could transfigure (love?) and it's a shame. 15.How close do you want/allow yourself to get to others? How close do others want to get? I'm afraid it's more a matter of ability than willing. Others I attract it's seldom the way I'd like. We are clumsy, and this clumsyness unfortunately don't turns out into charm. So it takes a lot of time. 16.What kind of person are you attracted to? I quote my fellows dualism: << With some persons I have the feeling I could go to the end of the evolution, to any world I could imagine I could imagine. As hard to understand and even to feel, as upside down, as far from humanity it may be. With them as they are now. With others I have the feeling that, as they are right now, I could just go to the end of the lunch, the year, or their "home", whichever it is. >> 17.When is the first time you fell in love? The last time? How many times between? None. Not satisfied I said. 18.What do you think of pornography? Formal desire (more this, more that) on the unavoidable but problematic sex drive. I wish I had watch only at the "sensual empire" (I'm not sure the english title) or films or pictures alike. Maybe it's the only one alike. 19.What do you think of the majority of men? I don't understand them (though I find them quite predictable). 20.What do you think of the majority of women? I try not to think to the majority of women. 21.Are you male or female? Male. 22.What patterns do you see in your life? I aim high (very high), then I fail, then I'm not at all well, then I have to think of something really exciting to get out of the hole, i.e. I aim high again... 23.How do you envision your own future? Long term I wouldn't dare. 24.How old do you think you'll live to? How long would you like to live? About how old are you now? The average 75. This morning I thought 120 would be nice. I'm 24. 25.How do you envision the future of the world? Geographic distance will be replaced by other forms of distance (language, specialisation, educationnal levels or specificities...) More and more boredom unless this boredom itself wakes we up. And for poor countries... Really I don't know. Of course it goes from nuclear armagedon to mere regression or various brand new forms to sink into. But mankind and a lot of species should survive anyway, and it goes on. How couldn't it? 26.What is most depressing to you? Slowness. I'm eager for a lightning irreversible stampede (but not toward destruction or death, if possible). Unfortunately there will only be stupid things known for centuries to happen tomorrow. More or less known. More or less within the circle one can guess by now. 27.What form do your depressions take [direction, symptoms,etc.]? Sleeping. Or not eating, or not sleeping, or drinking, or any other classical depressive symptom indeed. 28.How often do you cry? Last years quite often. 29.Have you ever wanted to kill someone? Yes. 30.How often do you think of death? What do you think? I don't know. It should be more... progressive. I don't care my chilhood mental pictures to disapear, but I'd like a kind of immortality constantly dying from the past. One after 1000 year wouldn't have anything to do with the same than a person from an other person. Oh it should be that way. 31.Do you believe in an afterlife? Not at all.(i tried) 32.Have you ever tried to commit suicide? What do you think of suicide? No I haven't. But suicide is a good thing. Better than death (before it). 33.Is insanity a solution? I don't think you go insane because it's "a solution". You go there when you find no other solution at all. And its probably more like a "no-place" than a place. However, there are many forms of insanity. 34.How often do you remember your dreams? Often. 35.What kind of sensory data do your dreams have [which senses, detail, memory, etc.]? All, in dispersed order. Sometime I can write pages from a dream, with all details, topographic datas... This last sense (orientation) could be the most acute(apart from sight). I also have tasted some "didactic" (much like honey) and swallowed a spoonful of "little monsters that go out of the head" (slightly bitter but soft and not unpleasant) 36.Are you present in all of your dreams? No. I can be an other person (man, woman, child, mutant, zombie), (don't trie the zombie, it's the most awful thing ever to "live") or I can be the pure scene. 37.Have you ever died in a dream? I don't remember. I don't think so. Not really. 38.What importance or significance do you attach to dreams? Most important. No "significance", only yourself, but a different self. 39.What is your first memory? Fuuu a green field and sun (i guess). Wet grass, flowers, insects, scents, fresh wind... paradise. 40.What importance or significance do you attach to memories? Same as dream. In a way they are one and same thing. 41.What importance do you attribute to life, that is, everything living? Sometimes not more than for a stone or for nothing. Other times I wonder if this was a clever thing to do (to be alive). But now we are here. I respect life for what it is but I don't think it is "sacred". 42.Do you believe in ESP or other paranormal phenomena? What paranormal or unexplainable experiences, if any, have you had? I believe in "structural coherency". This means purely natural (and yet stirring) phonomena like "deja vu", thelepathie, foresight and so on (that I appreciate a lot). I dislike the idea of a magic universe because it is sticking human ideas (with magic comes good and evil...) to what is inhuman and therefore is the only outside, the only reference for mankind to move. (like a human couldn't move without an other human, different) 43.Are animals conscious? Plants? Rocks? What are your feelings about killing plants and animals to eat? There is a continuity (and "side" differences too). When I was 14 I stoped eating meat. The idea of killing an animal... Now I'm a carnivour again, because I assume the pleasure I get eating meat is strong enough for me to kill an animal. I must admit I havent' try. 44.Do you believe in God? What do you mean by God? I don't understand the idea. I have a slight idea of why and how polytheistic gods could be, but the mighty monotheistic God I can't at all. 45.Do you feel any obligation to work to improve the world? I feel an obligation to add some turmoil in the world, I feel it is what it lacks most. There is turmoil, in the trenches, in the dancings, at wall street, in the heads striving for rest autority money sex or dope. But it can't be removed, you can't remove the need for movement. Maybe you can replace one form of movement by another. However, that's existence of the other that is pulling me, not the replacement. (though i would be glad enough for insane ones to stop. Of course. But I won't help and I don't even pray). 46.What do you spend your money on? ... and music, electric drills, european comic books, computer, pencils... 47.What do you get out of any artistic activity you do or see? Why? Seeing : (a lot of things) and a "virtual place" with other laws and other freedoms. I consider writing huge books, to have a place to live in imagination. I guess it's the only way to develop a whole and complex universe in which to live 12 hours a day without becoming mad. Expression I am forced (I dislike it)(not expression, being forced) 48.What importance or significance do you attribute to the imagination? Vital. What is vital is desiring things not previously desired. Wanting things which did't previously existed, even in minds. 49.What importance or significance do you attribute to science? Like in 42: it gives the outside. I'd prefere to chat with aliens (probably less stubborn and coarse) but by now only science I found in the street to give me a solid echo in the face. And we will have to do with it for a while I'm afraid. Science too is extension of our body, in time, space, scale, power, mind. Walking on two legs is an old science, thinking too, speaking too, we are science. 50.How much time do you spend thinking? What significance do you attribute to it? I used to think a lot a lot. Now I don't know, there are more slower processes important too. And there is this thing, how does it call... to act ! I thought of that, I try and it takes an astonishingly vast amount of time and energy. 51.Do you like yourself? Do you think you would like someone else who was you? I don't think so. I think so (not knowing what he is hiding). Wait, no, knowing his kind he would certainly manage to spoil our encounter. In fact we could certainly cooperate together, and it would be fun. 52.Do you like your body? What sense do you most appreciate? It's ok (for a body). This long it has served me well and we came to good agreements and complicity. I appreciate the sense of touch. 53.Do you think you are unusual? How? Reading the others' test of your test I'm a common guy on earth. Thu, as many say, "I can't understand how you can live not being me" As many too, the idea of not being unusual (_unusualy_ unusual) sometimes gives me angst and well, if a lot of people do think like that, what's the point? We should all unusualy-unique people join in a super-organism, then we-I would be unquestionnably unique (and psychotic) No wait, I prefere to understand how you can live not being me. It comes. 54.What is important? Elsewhere. And elsewhere upon elsewhere (more important ever). That is for me (you guessed) and today. But I couldn't define any Universal importance criterion. 55.What is the best thing you have ever done? Not yet, not yet. 56.What is the worst thing you have ever done? The thing that most troubles me is I abandonned good friends. He sent me a letter (a great one). He placed confidence in me. Then I haven't answered yet. (it makes six years now). I betrayed an unspoken (the most precious) oath.------------------------------------------------------------ - Date: Sat, 30 Dec 1995 21:26:49 UTC Subject: http://pages.prodigy.com/HI/bravedog/bravedog2.html > Surrealism Test > > The Surrealism Test simply tests the ability or willingness to answer > questions. For example: > > 1.List three lies you have spoken recently. Do not make up any new > ones. Hmmm... I'd like to believe I live an honest life...I guess 1. I've been fine 2. I'll call you right back 3. I don't mind > > 2.Make up and list three new lies. 1. I'm a virgin 2. I love olives 3. I am content > 3.Is anyone more important to you than yourself? anything? Everything is as important as everything. Nothing more so than anything else. The illusion that some entities are more important than other entities is an illusion of ego. > > 4.Why are you here [job, school, etc.]? What importance or > significance do you attach to it? Here? I am here to do exactly what I am doing. If that's scratching my ass, lubricating my elbows, answering this test, talking to someone, hitchiking or anything else I could possibly be doing, that's why I'm here. > > 5.Do you often feel exalted or especially joyous? How do your peak > moments tend to come about? What form do they take? When my perspective on life is properly aligned (when the lens is clear), I feel a deep ecstatic joy that I am a perfect incarnation of the life force which composes the perfection of the universe, and this joy lifts me up, connects me with the space in me that is love. Often good conversation will bring this sensation to me, sometimes meditation and reflection will. Sometimes all it takes is a cup of coffee, some good jazz and Portland rain. Usually, this sensation urges me to be alone, to withdraw into the interior, fabulous poetry may jolt through my hand if I am still enough. Music may jump to my rhythms if I breathe correctly. > > 6.What things, activities, etc. do you most enjoy? I love the rain in Portland in the fall and winter (hell, I love it year round), hiking through the Cascade Mts. in the mist and the gray, climbing cliffs at the beach, staring down the Pacific (a belittling name for such a behemoth), walking around aimlessly, watching people, drinking hearty coffee and smoking tasty tobacco, holing up in my room drinking cho-cho and reading the same Tom Robbins novel over and over again, making love, holding my lover against me as he sleeps. > > 7.Are you happy? > What is happy? To answer honestly, yes, I am happy, but I got a bad case of the blues. I think it's December, or maybe just that nothing seems to work out as perfectly as it could. Maybe it sounds stupid to say "I'm happy, and I have the blues," the paradox and all, but it's true. Underneath my blues is a grateful happy person. > 8.Do you have any phobias or irrational fears? Yes. I have a strange neuroticism about the different foods on my plate touching. A huge phobia of water I can't see the bottom of, and a ridiculous fear of committment. > > 9.How often are you afraid? What of? I don't know how often I am actually afraid, the fear I suffer from is infrequent and usually disguised as self loathing. It's a fear of not being good enough (the age old self doubt plague). > > 10.How often are you lonely? Lately, more often than I'd like to admit. I miss being in love. I'm loneliest, though, when I'm surrounded by people. > > 11.What do you expect from love? Hope for? I expect nothing from love. I've found that putting expectations on love is the most sure-fire way to land yourself in a world of hurt. What do I hope for?....Love. Period. > > 12.What importance do you attribute to sex? Alternately too much or not enough. > > 13.Are you successfully adjusted to your own sexuality? Absotootly. > > 14.What importance do you attribute to physical beauty or ugliness? > How do you think it relates to spiritual qualities? Everyone tends to be attracted to people as attractive as themselves. While I don't consciously discriminate against people less attractive than myself, I do appreciate physical beauty, but physical beauty without spiritual loveliness is vulgar and unappealing to me. > > 15.How close do you want/allow yourself to get to others? How close do > others want to get? I love closeness to others, I often get too close for the comfort of others, but in romance, it takes a long time to get to know me. I love spontaneous intimacy, and most of my current close friendships have stemmed from a spontaneous encounter. > > 16.What kind of person are you attracted to? I am attracted to spiritually insightful, honest, funny, artistic, crazy, cartoon people who can let it all hang out and get funky without embarrassment. > > 17.When is the first time you fell in love? The last time? How many > times between? I first fell in love when I was fifteen, and I'm still in love with this person to this very day (four years), although I have never had sex with this person and this person lives in Vermont. The last time was a little over 2 years ago. I'm still bruised. There have been two individuals in between. > > 18.What do you think of pornography? I don't think often of pornography. I think it's a safe outlet for fantasy, and as long as those involved in it aren't exploiting themselves or others, all the power to them. If it harm none, do as thou wilt. > > 19.What do you think of the majority of men? What can be said in such a generalization? I'd say the majority of men are bipedal humans with penises. > > 20.What do you think of the majority of women? Women? Same as above, minus penis, plus womb. > > 21.Are you male or female? Female > > 22.What patterns do you see in your life? Well, I shouldn't take off to California with boys having large genitals and white drug problems, cuz bad things happen every time. I shouldn't eat LSD, cuz it wreaks havoc on my life if I get into a binge. > > 23.How do you envision your own future? Perfectly. > > 24.How old do you think you'll live to? How long would you like to > live? About how old are you now? I'm nineteen (the nothing age), and I'll live long enough to do all the things I need to do. > > 25.How do you envision the future of the world? Read the book SNOW CRASH by Neal Stephenson, and that should spell it out for you. > > 26.What is most depressing to you? How time seems to be speeding up, and there just aren't enough hours in a day, and my friends are getting married, having babies, abandoning the righteous freedom of youth. Time is the most depressing thing I know. > > 27.What form do your depressions take [direction, symptoms,etc.]? First comes the restlessness, then the burning void in my stomach, followed by the sentimental bullshit and the missing people and the isolation. > > 28.How often do you cry? Thanks to my hormones, at least once a month. > > 29.Have you ever wanted to kill someone? Yes. > > 30.How often do you think of death? What do you think? I look forward to death, I think of it fairly often. Granted I don't wake up in the morning hoping for death, but I look at death as another birth. My death will occur when I have perfectly lived this life and am ready for the next level of the game. > > 31.Do you believe in an afterlife? I don't know what happens when I die, but I would suppose that I would be recycled back into the energy pool. I believe my energy will move into another form, but heaven and hell mean notheing to me. > > 32.Have you ever tried to commit suicide? What do you think of > suicide? I've never attempted, though I've come dreadfully close on numerous occasions. I think suicide is a losers way out, I don't think life can throw me anything that I can't handle. > > 33.Is insanity a solution? What is insanity? A solution to what? I hold no opinions on sanity, except that it is all relative. A solution to suicide? Hey, if it works for you.... > > 34.How often do you remember your dreams? It varies, sometimes I will have very vivid dreams that I remember completely every day fo weeks, then I won't remember any completely or very clearly for weeks. > > 35.What kind of sensory data do your dreams have [which senses, > detail, memory, etc.]? Smell is almost always absent in my dreams, though visually, they are vibrant and clear. Sound is slightly distorted, but my intuitive sense is always present. > > 36.Are you present in all of your dreams? Yes > > 37.Have you ever died in a dream? Yes, but I don't view it so much as a dream as a past life regression. My mother had the other half of the same dream. > > 38.What importance or significance do you attach to dreams? Some dreams are just my brain sorting out the garbage. Some of my dreams are prophetic. Some are deeply seated in my subconscious desires. I try to pay attention to my dreams because I feel they can teach me a lot about myself. > > 39.What is your first memory? My first memory is of the apartment we lived in when we were in Philadelphia. I was 2 1/2. I remember the blue phone and the plaid blanket on the bed and the children who lived with us. They were black and their mom did neat stuff to their hair. I wanted my mommy to do the same things to mine. There were white rose bushes in front of our building. > > 40.What importance or significance do you attach to memories? None. > > 41.What importance do you attribute to life, that is, everything > living? All life is sacred. All life is equally important. > > 42.Do you believe in ESP or other paranormal phenomena? What > paranormal or unexplainable experiences, if any, have you had? Yes. I've shared dreams with my mother on numerous occasions, I've seen a UFO (maybe it's explainable, I never felt compelled to research it.) I've been attacked by negative energy spirits (I went to my therapist, she gave me hypnotherapy, tried to rid me of them through powers of suggestion, tried to physically remove one of the vile beasties from my back {where they had attacked} "O My God I can feel it!" she cried) > > 43.Are animals conscious? Plants? Rocks? What are your feelings about > killing plants and animals to eat? Yes, IMHO, all matter/energy has consciousness. I don't eat my fellow mammal, because they have babies. They don't lay eggs, so it's a lot tougher for me to feel okay about it, mostly because it's unneccessary for me to eat that high on the food chain. I will occasionally eat some wild game, but I don't require that level of protien right now. I have a lot of other forms of protein which I can consume and remain healthy. Plants, I eat. > > 44.Do you believe in God? What do you mean by God? I believe in the universe which is a conglomeration of all energy and matter in a beautiful fractal dance with patterns interwoven throughout it. This is a perfect universe, and everything we do affects the entire universe. The universe doesn't judge, it simply is. The universe doesn't have laws but there are some ideas about how to get in tune with the universe so you can more readily flow into it, and more aptly perform your function. > > 45.Do you feel any obligation to work to improve the world? "Why save the world if it means losing the moon?" -loosely quoted from Tom Robbins. > > 46.What do you spend your money on? Rent, food, entertainment (e.g. movies, cigs, coffee, kind buds), transportation. > > 47.What do you get out of any artistic activity you do or see? Why? That completely depends on whether I'm seeing it or doing it, and the nature of the artistic activity. Some symphonies give me an adrenalin rush. Some put me to sleep. Some poems make me cry, some make me angry. Situationally dependent, can't answer it for shit. > > 48.What importance or significance do you attribute to the > imagination? Imagination is one of the most blessed gifts endowed to humankind. The beauty of children lies in their imagination. However, there is a limit in my mind of when the limits should be observed. I know a l;ot of escapists whose imaginations are so vivid, they have become either pathological liars, or fantasy land goofs. > > 49.What importance or significance do you attribute to science? Science appeals to me because of its logic, yet I have no faith in it. > > 50.How much time do you spend thinking? What significance do you > attribute to it? Too much. I've been known to sit and think for 16 hours straight, doing little else. It's not good to think like that. I'm a thinkaholic. > > 51.Do you like yourself? Do you think you would like someone else who > was you? I like myself, but it's hard to say if I would like someone who was me, because then I would be someone else, and who is to say if that person would like me? > > 52.Do you like your body? What sense do you most appreciate? Hmm...well, it gets me around, but no, I am not terribly fond of my body. Touch and smell most definitely. > > 53.Do you think you are unusual? How? Yes. I am a red head (exhibit A) and we're weird folk. I've done a phenomenal amount of lysergic acid diethylemide, and lived to tell. I was practically immaculately conceived, I can wear horrible colors of polyester and it looks good on me. I get down and dance whenever and wherever the mood takes me. I'm a Sagittarius, nuff said. > > 54.What is important? Everything. > > 55.What is the best thing you have ever done? Made love with a true love. > > 56.What is the worst thing you have ever done? Blamed myself for my brother's death. > > ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------- ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 23 Dec 1995 09:43:57 UTC Subject: Surrealism Test http://pages.prodigy.com/HI/bravedog/bravedog2.html 1. list three lies you have spoken recently. do not make up any new ones. 1. told my father my car insurance hadn't been cancelled 2. consistently lie on job apps that i graduated h.s. (didn't) that's all i can think of, i generally try to avoid lying as i usually get caught in my own b.s. 2. make up and list three new ones. 1. i really think things in the world are taking an upswing. 2. i honestly know what i want to do with the rest of my life. 3. i'm perfectly 100% happy. 3. is anyone more important to you than yourself? anything? i think that most of the people in my life are more important to me than myself, not in terms of making them happy all the time, per se, but in the sense that i always consider their opinions as part of forming my own & include their considerations as my own (often, not always). many things are more important than i am. 4. why are you here [job, school, etc.]? what importance or significance do you attach to it? i'm trying to survive. the only importance or significance i attach to my existence is whether or not i can improve either lives around me through whatever means available or improve the world in general. yes, it sounds corny, but if i'm not here to improve things, what possible point could there be? 5. do you often feel exalted or especially joyous? how do your peak moments tend to come about? what form to they take? i've known moments of extreme joy. often they're because i'm doing what i like best & it produces intense euphoria that is ultimately formless. 6. what things, activities, etc. do you most enjoy? one of my favorite activities is photography (see #5), where i can get completely lost either behind the camera or in the darkroom for hours, days...reading, spending time with my friends or cats, listening to music, travelling. 7. are you happy? most of the time. 8. do you have any phobias or irrational fears? falling. elevators. nightmares. 9. how often are you afraid? what of? leaving the circumstances of my phobias out of it, i'm often afraid that the people who say they love me really don't (parents excluded). i'm also often afraid that the good things in my life will suddenly disappear. how often is hard to say, it depends on my mood. 10. how often are you lonely? not much anymore. it used to be a constant state of mind. 11. what do you expect from love? hope for? i expect disappointment, but hope for everything. i hope for someone w/whom i can share hopes, dreams, fears, secrets, etc. without wondering what they'll think of me. 12. what importance do you attribute to sex? i think sex is extremely important within a relationship & that it should be good & often. if there's no love, though, sex tends to be relatively worthless. 13. are you successfully adjusted to your own sexuality? pretty much. 14. what importance do you attribute to physical beauty or ugliness? how do you think it relates to spiritual qualities. i think that inner beauty/ugliness will shine through. it's hard to hide either if they're truly there. unfortunately, i'm an aesthete and find physical beaty (of my own definition, of course) hard to resist, at least initially. 15. how close do you want/allow yourself to get to others? how close do others want to get. most people want to get closer to me than i'll allow. it takes me years to really trust another individual enough to get close to them, even though i'll tell them everything about myself. i sometimes think i should let others get closer to me, but always wind up glad that i handled things my own way. 16. what kind of person are you attracted to? someone honest, funny/good sense of humor, driven, arrogant, good looking, intelligent, honorable, responsible. 17. when is the first time you fell in love? the last time? how many times between. i first fell in love when i was fifteen. i just fell in love again at 23. there was nothing in between. 18. what do you think of pornography? i think it's in the eye of the beholder. i'm not entirely sure 'pornography' as such, exists. i'm not personally fond of watching pornographic movies (per standard definition), but that's because i think they're silly. it's good business. 19. what do you think of the majority of men? i don't know. i don't know them. the men i know are all rather unique & yet all rather stereotypical at the same time. i figure you can extrapolate that. 20. what do you think of the majority of women? same answer. although i generally like men better than women. the women i know are all pretty much insane so i don't associate with them much. 21. are you male or female? female 22. what patterns do you see in your life. far too many to enumerate. any patterns i don't like, i try to change. 23. how do you envision your own future? short term: it's looking up at the moment. long term: no way of knowing as it's all dependent on how the next few years go. 24. how old do you think you'll live to? how long would you like to live? about how old are you now? i think i'll probably live to my eighties. i'd like to live long enough to see my grandchildren grow up and start living their lives. i'm 24. 25. how do you envision the future of the world? pretty bleak unless some major changes occur. 26. what is most depressing to you? intolerance of differences. the concept of a societal 'norm'. the school system. people i know who are lonely or feel like their lives are hopeless. the chaos & destruction running rampant in the world. it's a long list. i try not to think about it too much unless i can also come up with a solution. 27. what form do your depressions take [direction, symptoms, etc.] brooding, silence, overall sleepiness & apathy, the need to be in bed for however long it lasts in a dark room w/the blankets pulled up (even in summer) and the cd player on repeat so i don't have to get up at all. 28. how often do you cry? for real, about my life & reality, almost never (the last time was a year ago). at movies, tv shows, books, etc., at the drop of a hat. 29. have you ever wanted to kill someone. i don't think so. 30. how often do you think of death? what do you think? i consider the concept pretty often. my own death scares me not at all, but the death of others bothers me deeply. i hate funerals & think the whole ritual involved with death is pretty morbid. i hope i die before anyone else i love does. 31. do you believe in an afterlife? yes. 32. have you ever tried to commit suicide? what do you think of suicide. i tried once, but the attempt was pretty pathetic. i'd never consider it now, even though i sometimes talk stupidly about it. i think it's the cowards way out & not terribly effective at that. 33. is insanity a solution? not for me. 34. how often do you remember your dreams? they're almost always disturbing to me & while i often remember fragments, it's incredibly rare for me to remember an entire dream. 35. what kind of sensory data do your dreams have [which senses, detail, memory, etc.]? i dream in full color but usually without sound unless it's conversation or something i pull in from outside (like a radio). never any physical sensation unless, again, i have a 'real' physical pain that intrudes. detail is extreme, but usually lost upon awakening. 36. are you present in all of your dreams? yes, but most often as a third-party observer. i'm not always myself. 37. have you ever died in a dream? yes, but it's usually the starting point: having died, i am re-incarnated... 38. what importance or significance do you attach to dreams? brain salad, tossed. sometimes, if people i know are in them i think they're actual communications (on some level). on occasion, they're prophetic, but it's rare to realize this fact until it's too late! 39. what is your first memory. my parents fighting when i was three. i think. it may have been a dream. 40. what importance or signif